Secretary of State Marco Rubio posted a message on X inviting Cubans who want change to pursue a "discreet partnership with the CIA." It is the first recruitment pitch in spy history to come with a repost button.
Rubio told Cubans "now is the time" and pointed to "the disappointment of failed promises, corruption, and the privileged lives of only a few." The CIA followed up with a Spanish-language video explaining how to get in touch, according to Al Jazeera and Fox News.
Havana's answer came from Deputy Foreign Minister Carlos Fernández de Cossío, who said there "must be a great deal of desperation or misery within the agency for it to be forced to sell its services like a tube of toothpaste."
I've listened to communist officials talk for decades. They are never funnier than when they try to be.
Because of all the products in the world, he picked toothpaste. Not a car. Not a smartphone. A basic household item, in a country where basic household items have a way of turning into rumors.
Cubans are living through rolling blackouts and fuel shortages, which Al Jazeera ties to a U.S. oil blockade and a failing power grid. So when the government mocks the CIA for advertising like a toothpaste company, a lot of people on the island are thinking the same thing: fine, but which store has it?
Then there's the "desperation or misery" line. Lecturing anyone about misery is a bold move from a government that has been running the world's longest-lasting supply of it since 1959.
Consider the backdrop. U.S. forces captured Venezuela's Nicolás Maduro in January, removing Havana's favorite oil sugar daddy. President Trump, at a rally in Fort Myers, floated sending Rubio to Cuba to "finish up the deal." And now the CIA is posting how-to videos like a guy explaining a router setup.
Picture the scene in a Havana apartment. A fictional retiree named Esteban watches the CIA video by flashlight during a blackout, battery at 4%, and says to his wife, "Mira, they want to hire us. Ask if it comes with electricity."
Rubio's post hit the regime where it lives. Communism's whole sales pitch was that it would get rid of the privileged few. Sixty-seven years later, it has delivered. There are only a few left, and they're all doing fine.
On the sewer scale, the Cuban regime's reply rates four rats out of five. It took a public jab from Washington and responded by reminding about ten million people of what's missing from their bathroom shelf. That's not a comeback. That's a product placement for the other side.
I've seen bad government spokesmen on four continents. Most of them at least have the sense not to bring up shopping.
Cuba's government says the CIA is selling itself like toothpaste. Fair enough. At least toothpaste comes out when you squeeze it. Cubans have been squeezing the revolution for sixty-seven years.
And here's your bill: regular gas is averaging $4.30 a gallon nationally this morning, according to AAA, which means you're already in a discreet partnership, just with the pump.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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