Iran's Revolutionary Guard announced Thursday that seven oil tankers were hit or crippled overnight in and around the Strait of Hormuz. I've covered this region a long time. That's the first time I've seen a navy post its stats like a fantasy football team.
The facts. Iranian state television said four vessels transferring oil were struck and caught fire. Three more were disabled after hitting mines. No names, no flags, no casualty details. The AP couldn't independently confirm any of it.
The U.S. pushed back. A Central Command spokesperson told Al Jazeera the mine claims were incorrect. U.S. forces had cleared the shipping lanes, the spokesperson said, and 95 percent of vessels were getting through.
So we have two scorecards. Tehran says seven. Washington says the store is open. I've seen this movie. It's the same movie as every hotel that claims its pool is "heated."
Iran also warned that if the U.S. keeps escorting tankers, the fight will spread to American bases in the region. It called this "a serious warning." Every warning from Tehran is a serious warning. They don't own any other kind. It's like a restaurant where every dish is the house special.
Some context, delivered flat. The U.S. and Israel started their war with Iran on Feb. 28. Before that, about a fifth of the world's oil moved through this strait. Lloyd's List counted 28 attacks on ships in October, the most since the war began. Tanker crews now run the strait at night with their location systems and phones switched off.
Think about that. Professional sailors are commuting to work like teenagers sneaking out of the house.
Washington's position, according to the U.S. spokesperson cited by Al Jazeera, is that Tehran is trying to push oil prices up before American elections. Possibly. The regime has never once in my career done anything for a single reason. It's a buffet of bad motives.
On the sewer scale, I give this mess four rats out of five. It loses one rat because nobody can confirm the seven ships exist. The other four are earned. Mines, fires, threats, a blackout commute. It's a complete package.
I'm not impressed. I've watched this strait get "closed" so many times it should come with a revolving door. Nobody in Tehran is shocked. Nobody in Washington is shocked. The only person shocked is the guy at the pump in Ohio, and nobody asked him.
He doesn't care about the Revolutionary Guard's press office. He cares that his truck holds 30 gallons and diesel in New York just topped six dollars, according to the Daily Caller. He has never heard of Lloyd's List. Lloyd's List is about to hear from his credit card company.
And here's your bill: diesel over $6 a gallon means filling one 30-gallon tank now costs north of $180, roughly the price of seven tankers' worth of excuses.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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