I've seen things down in the tunnels. Rats who chewed through a Verizon cable and called it a career. A pigeon who claimed he was from Connecticut. But I had never seen a congressman administer a breathalyzer to a citizen on live television. Until Thursday.

On MS NOW's "The Last Word," Rep. Jamie Raskin of Maryland, the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee, described Elon Musk this way, according to The Washington Times: "He's an immigrant … who never really inhaled the real values of our country."

Inhaled. Not learned. Not adopted. Inhaled. Apparently citizenship is now a vape.

My investigation began where every investigation begins: with the file. Exhibit A, the same party that has spent a decade telling you that questioning an immigrant's values is the most un-American thing a person can do. Exhibit B, that party's top lawyer in the House, questioning an immigrant's values on cable. Exhibit C, a man in a suit holding a plastic tube and asking you to blow.

Raskin even admitted on the broadcast that "this sort of forbidden thought occurred to me." Sir, I live in a sewer, and even I know the forbidden thought is the one you're supposed to keep in the tunnel.

Let's review the suspect's record, as reported. Musk was born in South Africa, became an American citizen, and runs Tesla, SpaceX and X. That's three companies, tens of thousands of jobs, and rockets that land themselves. Most of us can't land a Southwest flight without a voucher.

But according to Raskin, the real problem is that the man has "no real interest" in "equal protection and due process and the First Amendment." Raskin said this while previewing possible House probes into Musk if Democrats win the majority on Nov. 3. Asked about subpoenaing him, the paper reported, he did not rule it out.

So the plan is: question the man's devotion to due process, then haul him in to see how much due process he gets. I've seen rat kings with tighter logic.

Here's what the tunnels taught me about the rules. Rule one: immigrants are the soul of America. Rule two: unless the immigrant votes wrong, in which case he needs a lung test. Rule three: the test is graded by the people he voted against, on their own show, on a Thursday.

And you know who's been inhaling the real values of this country? You. The guy paying $4 for a gallon of milk, $38 for a lightbulb replacement because the landlord "has a guy," and filling out a 14-page form to renew a fishing license. You inhaled America so hard you need a nebulizer.

Meanwhile, the people grading the exam can't pass their own. Free speech, unless he owns the platform. Due process, unless he's the defendant. Welcome, immigrants, unless one of you becomes a billionaire who disagrees with us out loud.

I reached out to my sources in the storm drain under Rayburn. They said the inhale test is still in beta and the only approved flavor is "mint agreement."

So the investigation remains open, the subpoena remains possible, and Jamie Raskin remains the only man in Washington who can call a citizen's patriotism into question and still be confused why the citizen won't take a deep breath.

Satire disclaimer: The Demorat is a parody publication. This article is satire and commentary based on publicly reported events. Quotes from real public figures are drawn from published reports; everything else is a joke. Tunnel Tucker is a fictional rat.

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