France is doing France things again. The streets are on fire, the shops are boarded up, and President Emmanuel Macron has identified the culprit: "ultra-left groups whose aim is to bring down the Republic," according to Fox News.
The BBC reports Paris has extended its curfew, Marseille and Lyon have banned protests unless they're organised by unions, and top museums will be closed on Saturday. Somewhere the Mona Lisa is finally getting a day off, smiling because she has seen this movie before. Several times. Since 1789.
Tim the Ratcast has visited the Paris sewers, which are honestly the calmest part of the city right now. The rats down there have one rule: if you hear chanting, wait a week. The humans upstairs will either form a new government or forget why they were mad.
Let's appreciate the irony. For years the French elite told the rest of us that their system was more enlightened. Thirty-five-hour weeks, two-hour lunches, retirement at a reasonable age, and philosophy class in high school. Now the president is on TV explaining that the people who were raised on all that philosophy want to tear down the Republic. Turns out if you teach a whole country Rousseau, some of them take notes.
And the new protest rules are très French. Protests are banned, unless they're organised by unions. So in France you're allowed to riot only if you have a union card. That's not a crackdown, that's a licensing system. Expect a black market of fake union IDs sold outside cafés by men in berets.
Macron, meanwhile, is reportedly pointing to the wider war situation and outside pressures as factors too, which is the presidential version of "my dog ate the economy." He's been in office long enough to have a chance of being blamed for something, and he would like it noted that it's the ultra-left's fault. And the war's. And possibly Tuesday's.
Tim's travel advice for anyone visiting Paris this weekend: skip the Louvre, it's closed. Skip the Champs-Élysées, it's a bonfire. Instead, enjoy a curfew-friendly evening of wine indoors while watching the news, which, to be fair, is the most authentically French experience available.
The French will get through this. They always do. They'll protest, the government will promise reform, the reform will be delayed, and then everyone will go on strike about the delay. It's not a crisis. It's a season, like autumn, but with tear gas.
Bon courage, Paris. The rats are rooting for you.
The Demorat is satire. This article is a comedy roast based on real news reports; quotes and scenarios beyond the cited facts are invented for laughs.
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