PEMBERTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local government in America is supposed to be the boring part. Zoning variances. Pothole budgets. A guy named Dennis asking about leaf pickup for 45 minutes. But Wednesday night in Pemberton Township, Mayor Matthew Bianchini turned a monthly council meeting into the first municipal cage match ever livestreamed on a township YouTube page.
According to Fox News, 6abc and the Philadelphia Inquirer, Bianchini, a Republican, launched himself from behind the dais and charged toward a resident in the audience, a longtime critic of his, after the man flashed him a middle finger. Several people grabbed the mayor and hauled him out of the room while he shouted, "I'm getting you." The resident stayed seated. The mayor did not. Council members yelled for him to stop, which is the most bipartisan thing that room has done all year.
And here's the best part. All of this happened while a recently fired township official and his attorney were at the podium, formally disputing his termination. Imagine pleading your case for an hour and the mayor sprints past you to start a completely different fight. That man came for due process and left with front-row seats to WrestleMania: Burlington County.
Afterward, Bianchini gave reporters a review of his own performance. "I just basically snapped," he told WPVI. "I hate to put it this way, but it's a long time coming." Sir, that's not a defense. That's the trailer for a Lifetime movie.
He then offered what may be the greatest non-apology in New Jersey history: "Was it wrong? Absolutely. Was it justified? Absolutely. And I would do it again if I had to." That's not a statement. That's a Jersey Shore tattoo. Somewhere a crisis-PR consultant just threw his phone into the Delaware River.
To be fair to the mayor, his family says the resident and another attendee had been mouthing off toward his wife and daughter in the back row. The resident denies saying anything at all and says he was just waving his hand. Bianchini told reporters he's been harassed online and in person for months; the resident says the harassment goes both ways and that all he's ever tried to do is expose wasteful spending. So it's a Facebook comments section that grew legs and walked into a town hall.
Bianchini also walked it back, sort of. "I should not have said that," he said. "That was wrong. It was in the heat of the moment. I'm not gonna get anybody." Which is exactly what a man who is definitely going to get somebody would say.
The resident has since filed a municipal court complaint seeking assault and terroristic threats charges, according to WPVI. Police have not said whether they will pursue anything, and no charges had been filed as of Thursday, per the Inquirer.
Oh, and Bianchini, who was appointed earlier this year to fill a vacancy, is on the ballot in a few weeks. The local Democratic Club immediately issued a statement saying the township deserves leaders who can "stay composed and professional." Bold words from the party of "mostly peaceful."
Statehouse Stan's official campaign slogan suggestion for the mayor: "Bianchini: He'll Fight For You. Literally. Please Stay Seated."
This article is satire from The Demorat. Quotes from Mayor Bianchini and the Democratic Club are as reported by Fox News, WPVI/6abc and the Philadelphia Inquirer; everything else is parody and commentary, not factual reporting. No one has been charged, and no one should get got.
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