President Trump walked into an airplane hangar in Sioux City, Iowa, on Thursday night, looked out at a crowd of farmers who have been paying more than six bucks a gallon for diesel, and did what any red-blooded American does when the gas station is robbing him blind: he dusted off a Cold War law and threw money at the problem.
"Tonight, in more breaking news, my administration is using the Defense Production Act to release $150 million to increase American refining capacity," Trump told the crowd, which cheered like he had just announced free tractors. The Energy Department followed up with a press release saying the money, up to $150 million in DPA Title III funding, will go toward expanding petroleum production, storage and logistics at refineries across the country, and is expected to bump U.S. refining output by "millions of gallons per day."
Who gets the money? Nobody knows yet. The department says the selection process is "ongoing," which in Washington means a guy named Craig has a spreadsheet open and is very stressed. The cash comes out of a $1 billion pot Congress already set aside for energy projects deemed critical to national security. So yes, gasoline is now officially a matter of national defense, which every trucker in America could have told you in 1974.
Energy Secretary Chris Wright blamed the whole mess on "17 years of Democrat leaders enacting energy subtraction policies that led to the closure of refineries." Energy subtraction. That is the most accurate two-word description of the Democrat energy plan ever written. Their whole platform is: shut down the refinery, open a wind farm that powers one Prius in Vermont, then hold a press conference asking why gas is expensive. These people would close the bakery and then demand an investigation into Big Bread.
To be fair to the refiners, they have had a rough decade. For years, building a new refinery in America was treated like opening a meth lab next to a kindergarten. You needed 400 permits, three environmental impact studies, and a blessing from a guy in Sacramento who identifies as a wetland. Now the government is basically calling them back like an ex at 2 a.m.: "Hey. I know it's been a while. Are you still making diesel?"
Trump also bragged about the $8 billion harvest fuel relief program rolled out earlier this week, plus a waiver letting farmers, truckers and "anyone else" fill up with untaxed red-dyed diesel, the stuff normally reserved for off-road equipment. Translation: if your F-150 is now technically a combine, nobody is going to ask questions.
The farmers need it. Diesel and fertilizer prices surged after the Iran war started, and CBS reports diesel is still stuck above $6 a gallon even after easing off its record. That's not a price, that's a ransom note.
Will $150 million fix it? In Washington terms, $150 million is couch-cushion money. The federal government loses that much in a single week funding studies on why squirrels are sad. But at least this time the money is going toward making something people actually use, instead of a podcast about climate grief.
Our in-house economist, a sewer rat named Gary, ran the numbers and concluded: "More refineries, more gas, lower prices. I don't know why this needed a law from the Truman administration, but I'm a rat. I live in a pipe."
The midterms are November 3. Fill up while you can.
This is satire from The Demorat. Real facts are drawn from news reports. Invented quotes, rats named Gary, and Craig's spreadsheet are parody and not real.
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