Tim the Ratcast here, reporting from a storm drain directly under the East River, where the UN's hot air vents keep my fur dry all winter.
On Thursday, United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres walked up to a microphone in New York, gazed out at a planet that's on fire in several places at once, and gave it a weather report. "We are now witnessing an El Niño of war," he told reporters. "Conflict is feeding conflict. And the consequences are travelling farther and faster."
An El Niño. Of war. The man runs a building with 193 member states, a Security Council and a budget in the billions, and his big finding is that the world is having a bad forecast. Next week he'll announce a polar vortex of bad vibes and ask everyone to bring a jacket.
To be fair, the forecast is accurate. Guterres listed the Middle East, Ukraine and Sudan, where homes, hospitals, schools, airports and power stations keep getting hit. He called the Houthis' attacks on civilian targets in Saudi Arabia "totally unacceptable." That's very strong language from the UN, the international equivalent of an HOA leaving a note on your windshield.
Then he got to the riots. France has just come off one of its worst weekends of unrest in years. Officials say more than 2,500 people were arrested, roughly 1,000 police officers were injured, thousands of shops were looted, and the 19th-century town hall in Limoges was gutted by fire until its clock tower collapsed. Guterres did call the violence and destruction "unacceptable" and said the people responsible must be held accountable. Good. Then, in the very same breath, he told everyone not to let the violence "obscure the legitimate and very real grievances" of peaceful protesters, and urged the world to "connect the dots."
Sir, the dots are on fire. Someone torched a 140-year-old town hall, and the UN's response is a connect-the-dots worksheet. Somewhere a Parisian shopkeeper is sweeping up glass, and the most powerful bureaucrat on Earth is out here explaining the meteorology.
According to a completely made-up internal UN memo that our rat sources swear they found next to a recycling bin, the Secretary-General's office has a three-step plan to fix global conflict: (1) name it after a weather pattern, (2) express deep concern, (3) appeal to donors. Step three is real, by the way. He appealed to donors to step up contributions to the World Food Programme. Whatever the crisis, the UN's answer always ends with someone else's wallet.
This is a lame-duck victory lap. Guterres's term ends December 31, and candidates are already lining up to replace him. He's got about ten weeks left to solve war, inflation, inequality and France, so you can see why he's skipping the solutions and going straight to the metaphors.
Next stop for Guterres is Egypt, where he's expected to call for diplomacy. Bold. Meanwhile, the Demorat Weather Desk (me, a rat with a soggy newspaper) is issuing its own forecast: a 100% chance of more press conferences, scattered strongly worded statements, and a high-pressure system of taxpayer funding moving steadily north from Washington.
Stay dry out there. I'll be in the drain.
This article is satire from The Demorat. It's a parody that roasts real news. The real facts come from linked reporting, and any absurd quotes, memos or rat sources are made up for comedy.
The real story that inspired this
