Alaska has officially found a way to make ranked-choice voting even more confusing, and frankly, we didn't think that was possible. The Justice Department filed suit Friday in federal court in Anchorage asking a judge to block certification of Alaska's Senate race if Republican Sen. Dan Sullivan loses, because the ballot also features a second guy named Daniel J. Sullivan. That's right. Alaska's Senate race now has a sequel, and like most sequels, nobody asked for it.
Here are the facts, as reported by the Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller. Daniel J. Sullivan jumped into the race in June, running as a Republican, and picked up about 2.5% in the primary. That's enough to land on a ranked-choice ballot, which in Alaska is basically a participation trophy with a voting bubble. The DOJ says his branding and website look a lot like the senator's, and the lawsuit alleges ties to the campaign of Democrat Mary Peltola, the senator's actual opponent. Daniel J. also told The New York Times he voted for the Democrat in the last three presidential elections and that he has voted for Peltola. So he's a Republican candidate the way a raccoon in a tuxedo is a wedding guest.
The DOJ's filing put it in lawyer-speak: "Given the substantial likelihood that the inclusion of Daniel J. Sullivan will confuse or mislead voters looking to cast a vote for Senator Sullivan, and thus distort the will of Alaskan voters, there is a substantial likelihood that a certification of the election will reflect an electoral process that lacked integrity." Translation: "Somebody in Fairbanks is about to bubble in the wrong Sullivan and we need a grown-up in the room."
And look, the stakes are real. Control of the Senate could come down to Alaska. The entire balance of power in Washington might hinge on whether a fisherman in Ketchikan, squinting through a frosted polling-booth window at 7 a.m., can tell the difference between Dan Sullivan and Daniel J. Sullivan. That's not democracy. That's a Where's Waldo page with a federal budget attached.
We reached out to absolutely nobody, but we imagine the conversation inside the second Sullivan's campaign HQ went like this: "Okay, what's our platform?" "Being named Sullivan." "And?" "Being named Sullivan in a slightly different font."
Honestly, this is the most brilliant campaign strategy since the guy who changed his name to "None of the Above." Why spend millions on attack ads when you can just spend $40 at the courthouse and become your opponent's evil twin? Next cycle, expect a Daniel J. Sullivan Jr., a Danielle Sullivan, and a moose legally renamed "Sen. Sullivan" polling at 4%.
The lawsuit asks for a post-election investigation if things go sideways, which means Alaska might not know its senator until roughly the next ice age. Meanwhile, the real Sullivan has to campaign with a slogan nobody should ever need: "Vote for me. No, the other me. Wait, the first me."
Pro tip for Alaska voters: if your Sullivan says he voted Democrat three times running, he's not the one in the Senate. He's the one in the lawsuit.
This article is satire from The Demorat, a comedy-roast parody news site. The underlying news events are real and reported by the outlets cited; jokes, exaggerations, and any absurd quotes not attributed to a named source are made up for laughs.
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