I've seen things down in the tunnels. A rat who built a nest out of parking tickets. A raccoon who got stuck in a pizza box and refused help on principle. But until this weekend I had never seen a politician win an election and immediately announce she was opposed to the other side existing.
Here's the case file. On Saturday, British Columbia held its provincial election. The Conservatives under Lorne Doerkson won a majority. The BC Greens won two seats. Two. That's not a caucus. That's a carpool.
One of those seats went to Green leader Emily Lowan, 26, who was elected in Saanich North and the Islands. Good for her. Then she walked up to the podium and gave a 19-minute speech, which works out to nine and a half minutes per seat.
About a minute in, she said it, according to the transcript published by Daily Hive: "We are the only party who is equipped to stand against the Conservatives and their existence."
Not their budget. Not their pipeline plans. Their existence.
Most opposition parties promise to oppose the government's policies. The Greens promised to oppose the government's pulse.
Now, I've read the whole speech, because that's what we do down here. You read everything, even the parts that smell. She predicted cuts to health care, child care, and public services. She said she was "scared." And she promised, "We will fight for you in the legislature and we will fight for you in the streets."
Two MLAs. In the streets. That's not a resistance movement. That's a walking club.
And here's the detail that sent me deeper into the tunnel with a flashlight. Before Lowan spoke, Doerkson had congratulated her on her campaign during his own victory speech. Outgoing Premier David Eby wished the Conservative leader well in his concession. Daily Hive reported that Lowan offered no congratulations in return.
So the man who won said something nice about her. The man who lost said something nice about him. And the woman who won two seats said she would stand against him existing. Canadian politics used to be famous for apologizing. Now one party leader has skipped the "sorry" and gone straight to the metaphysics.
Meanwhile, the province she's so scared for is staring at a $13.8 billion deficit this fiscal year, per Daily Hive. Families working two and three jobs, as she herself pointed out, are not lying awake wondering whether the Conservatives exist. They're wondering whether the grocery bill does, because it keeps showing up.
To be fair, there was one great line in the speech. Thanking her volunteers for knocking doors and driving voters to the polls, she said, "I can't even imagine the step count."
I can. It's the same number of steps it takes to walk to a podium, look at a room full of people who just watched you win, and tell them the other guys shouldn't be in it.
Down here in the tunnels, we have rats on every side of every pipe. We don't oppose each other's existence. We oppose each other's cheese. That's called politics, and it fits in two seats just fine.
The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on publicly reported events. Quotes from real people are as reported; everything else is a joke.
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