GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — Eileen Laubacher, the Democrat running against Rep. Lauren Boebert in Colorado's 4th Congressional District, has an ad promising she is done with "the extremists in both parties." It turns out she can name the extremists in exactly one of them, which, for a woman who spent her career in intelligence, is a remarkable failure to locate a target.
The moment came at the candidates' only televised debate, moderated by Kyle Clark of 9News on October 12. Clark read her own ad back to her and asked a question that should have been a layup: who are the extremists in your Democratic Party? Please name them.
"You want me to name specific people?" Laubacher asked, according to transcripts published by the Western Journal and others. Yes, Clark said. Specific people. That's what names are for.
"I don't think that's really necessary, Kyle," she answered.
Not necessary. She paid for an ad about it. She put it on television. Her campaign, according to Federal Election Commission records cited by Newsmax, raised about $13.7 million and spent about $11.9 million through October 14. That is a lot of money to tell voters you will fight a monster you refuse to describe to the police sketch artist.
Clark, to his credit, did not let it go. "How are voters to believe that you will stand up to people who you will not even name?" he asked. Her answer is the part they should engrave on the campaign headquarters door: "Because I think that if I name three and forget two, that's not going to help anyone."
Read that again. She didn't say there weren't any. She said there were at least five and she was worried about leaving some out. That's not a moderate. That's a woman at a Thanksgiving table refusing to rank her cousins because the rest will hear about it.
Laubacher is a retired Navy rear admiral who became a Democrat in 2024. She did go on to say she was critical of President Biden's open border policy, which is brave in the same way it's brave to criticize the Titanic's iceberg strategy in 2026. And she said she used to be a Republican who believed in strong national defense and a balanced budget. Colorado's 4th District is full of people who still are those things. They just never needed a consultant to remind them.
On Friday, Boebert told Newsmax's "Finnerty" that her opponent runs on talking points from consultants and "pretends to be a moderate." Boebert then did the homework Laubacher skipped. She named Melat Kiros, the Democratic nominee in Denver's 1st District, who beat 29-year Rep. Diana DeGette in the June primary after an endorsement from Denver's Democratic Socialists of America chapter. Took her about four seconds. No forgetting anybody.
That's the problem with running as the "both sides" candidate. Eventually somebody asks you to pick a side to criticize, and you discover your courage is like a rental car: works great until you need to take it off-road.
So here's a free service from The Demorat, since her consultants are expensive. When the moderator asks you to name extremists in your own party, the correct number to name is "more than zero." If that's not necessary, neither is the ad. And neither, District 4 might decide, is the candidate.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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