Tim the Ratcast here, reporting from a damp drainpipe in Westminster, which is still the most structurally sound thing in the British government.
Good news, England. Your country has a budget coming, protests being planned for London, pro-Palestine crowds scuffling with police near Downing Street, and a former prime minister just named a core participant in the national grooming gangs inquiry. So naturally, the current Prime Minister, Andy Burnham, has stepped up to tackle the biggest crisis of all: what's on telly this week.
That's right. Burnham is set to become the first sitting prime minister in history to appear on Channel 4's Gogglebox, filmed inside 10 Downing Street with his old pal, Liverpool Mayor Steve Rotheram. It's for the Stand Up To Cancer charity special airing Friday at 9:05 p.m., which is a genuinely good cause. The cause is fine. The timing is the comedy.
In the trailer, the leader of a nuclear power lays out his provisions like a man preparing for a siege: beer, Skips, pork scratchings, bacon fries and Twiglets. Then he delivers his first major policy statement of the autumn: "Twiglets are probably the best, aren't they?" Rotheram, showing the kind of bold opposition Parliament hasn't seen in years, countered that he prefers Skips, but only prawn cocktail.
Finally, a debate in British politics where both sides know what they're talking about.
You have to respect the hustle. Most leaders hide from the public when the economy is wobbling. Burnham hides from the public on national television, on a couch, with a snack bowl. It's the political equivalent of your landlord ignoring the flooded basement because he's busy rating cooking shows.
And this isn't a one-off. Back in August, the man grabbed a guitar in Kyiv and played Oasis songs for Ukrainian soldiers. So the pattern is clear: when the going gets tough, Andy Burnham gets a gig. At this rate, the next King's Speech is going to be Wonderwall with a key change.
Our sewer sources have obtained the Prime Minister's leaked weekly schedule, which we absolutely invented:
Monday: Rate the Bake Off tent.
Tuesday: Ask the Treasury if Twiglets can be zero-rated for VAT.
Wednesday: Prime Minister's Questions, answered exclusively in Oasis lyrics.
Thursday: Nap.
Friday: Gogglebox.
A completely fictional Downing Street spokesman told The Demorat, "The Prime Minister is deeply engaged with the nation's problems. He's watched every single one of them on the news. Twice. With crisps."
To be fair to the British left, this is the most relatable thing a Labour leader has done in decades. Normal Brits sit on the sofa eating pork scratchings while the country falls apart. The only difference is that normal Brits aren't in charge of it.
Critics from Reform and the Conservatives are already demanding equal sofa time, which is the most British fight imaginable: the nation's future decided by who gets the comfy cushion.
This has been Tim the Ratcast. Over here in the sewer, we eat garbage too, but at least we don't call it governing.
The Demorat is satire. The schedule and spokesman quote are invented for comedy.
The real story that inspired this
