HOLLYWOOD — Greta Gerwig, the director who turned a plastic doll into an Oscar campaign, has now cast the voice of Aslan, the lion C.S. Lewis wrote as a stand-in for Christ. She went with Meryl Streep. Somewhere in heaven, Lewis just asked for a second opinion.
The casting has been confirmed by Variety and Deadline, and the film, "Narnia: The Magician's Nephew," opens in IMAX theaters on February 12, 2027, before landing on Netflix on April 2. It is a prequel to "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," and the Associated Press reports the choice has already drawn outrage from conservative Christian commentators, who point out that Lewis's Aslan is a male lion with, quote the AP, "a glorious mane."
Gerwig explained her thinking to Empire magazine, and honestly, you have to respect a job posting this specific. "I wanted someone who was profound but not pretentious," she said, "who had gravitas but not morose self-seriousness." She wanted someone "older than 70," with "the capacity of fresh wonder, like a child." And, of course, "one of the greatest actors to ever do it. That list is not a long one."
No, it is not. Mostly because she wrote the list in Meryl Streep's handwriting.
Let's walk through it. Profound but not pretentious: this is a Greta Gerwig Narnia movie that, according to Variety, was inspired by David Bowie and is meant to feel like a "rock opera." The pretension isn't a risk. It's the catering. The new Aslan reportedly has multicolored eyes and a red-striped face, which Empire said was a nod to Bowie. So the lion that represents the creator of the universe has been redesigned to look like he's headlining a farewell tour in 1973.
Gravitas but not morose self-seriousness: a description of a talking lion written by a person who has never once been in a room with a lion. Lions have no self-seriousness problem. They sleep twenty hours a day and eat whoever is slowest. That's not morose. That's a union job.
And then the line that gave away the whole game: "That list is not a long one." Translation: I had one name, and I typed the criteria backwards from it, like a company that posts a job opening after they've already hired the CEO's nephew. Which, fittingly, is the title of the movie.
To be clear, nobody's questioning whether Meryl Streep can act. She could play a lion, a wardrobe and a Turkish Delight and get three Oscar nominations. The question is why Hollywood keeps looking at stories millions of families love and deciding the most important creative choice is the one guaranteed to start a fight. Lewis wrote Aslan for kids. Gerwig cast him for a panel discussion.
Polygon notes this will be Netflix's first wide theatrical release. That's a big swing. You'd think the strategy would be "give the Christian parents who bought these books for three generations a reason to buy a ticket," not "give them a reason to stay home and re-read the book."
Previous films had Liam Neeson as Aslan. That casting led to zero think pieces. Turns out "deep-voiced man plays the lion" is not a controversial opinion.
But maybe this is what fresh wonder, like a child, actually looks like. A child also picks a lion's voice by asking which grown-up they like best. The difference is the child doesn't have a Netflix checkbook and an Empire cover story to explain it.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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