Washington, D.C. has seen a lot of strange things. Senators who think the internet is a series of tubes. Congressmen who've been in office since the rotary phone. But this week, Education Secretary Linda McMahon unveiled something truly unheard of in the nation's capital: a federal official actively trying to get rid of her own job.
According to Fox News Digital, McMahon is doubling down on her plan to shut down the Department of Education by farming out its functions to other agencies through interagency agreements, then showing Congress that nobody notices. The Labor Department has already taken over day-to-day administration of adult education, career and technical education and a pile of grant programs. Treasury has taken over federal student loan collections, including defaulted debt. McMahon calls the whole thing her "proof of concept."
"Ultimately, Congress has to vote if we do close the Department of Education, and if I, in fact, am able to fire myself," McMahon told Fox News Digital.
Let that sink in. A cabinet secretary. Asking to be fired. In Washington, where people would rather be buried alive in a filing cabinet than give up a parking spot. There are federal employees who have been "temporarily reassigned" since the Clinton administration who still have a nameplate and a ficus. Meanwhile McMahon is walking around the building like a woman cleaning out her own desk with a smile on her face.
Remember, this is a former WWE executive. She has seen grown men fall off a 20-foot cage onto a table. She knows a fake fight when she sees one. And after a look at the Department of Education's org chart, she apparently concluded that a lot of it was being duplicated in other agencies anyway. Her words: "Let's be efficient." In D.C., that sentence is basically a war crime.
Inside Higher Ed reports the department has signed 14 of these agreements, sending programs off to Labor, Treasury, Justice and Health and Human Services. Critics say she's dismantling the agency without Congress's permission. McMahon says she's just proving it can be done before Congress votes. The teachers' unions, meanwhile, are reacting like someone unplugged the life support on a building.
"If the money still gets to the schools, what were all those people doing?" asked a confused taxpayer, who is fictional, because no real taxpayer has ever been allowed to ask that question out loud.
The Rat has obtained what we're calling the official transition plan, which is also fictional: Step one, move the student loans to Treasury. Step two, move the job training to Labor. Step three, move the motivational posters of a kitten hanging from a branch to a storage unit in Maryland. Step four, McMahon turns off the lights, hands Congress the keys and asks for her severance in the form of a championship belt.
Democrats warn that without a standalone Department of Education, American students could fall behind. Fall behind what, exactly? Under the current system, a big chunk of high school graduates can't read a bus schedule. The bar isn't on the floor. It's in the sewer, and trust us, we live down here. We'd know.
Whether Congress ever votes to close the department is another story. But for one shining moment, a bureaucrat looked at a bureaucracy and said, "You know what? We don't need me." Somewhere, the Founding Fathers just slow-clapped.
Satire disclaimer: The Demorat is a parody and satire publication. This article is comedy commentary based on real news reports. Quotes from fictional people and the "transition plan" are made up for laughs.
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