I've seen things down in the tunnels. A subway rat carrying an entire slice of pizza down the stairs at Union Square. A man arguing with a MetroCard machine for 40 minutes and winning. But nothing prepared me for Friday, when the mayor of New York City released a production-quality tutorial on how to talk to the federal government through a closed door.
According to the New York Post, Mayor Zohran Mamdani posted a minute-and-a-half video, in Spanish, opening with, "If you encounter ICE, these are your rights."
The mayor explains that agents "cannot legally enter private spaces without a judicial order," tells viewers to look for the words "United States District Court" and a judge's signature, and suggests asking agents to "pass the order under the door."
Under the door. The man runs a city of 8 million people, and his big policy rollout is mail slot etiquette.
I went down to investigate. My sources, a family of rats living behind a Bed-Stuy radiator since 2011, confirmed it: in the history of New York, no tenant has ever gotten anything slid under a door except an eviction notice and a Chinese takeout menu. Now it's federal paperwork. The door has never been busier.
The video also tells people questioned on the street they have the right to remain silent, to ask, "Am I free to go?" and not to sign anything without a lawyer. It closes with the city's legal support hotline and a pledge to protect the "right to protest."
Republicans were not impressed. Sen. Mike Lee wrote on X that "at no point in this video is anyone urged to abide by the laws of the United States." Rep. Nick LaLota said the mayor used "taxpayer resources to instruct illegals, in Spanish, how to evade accountability." Sen. Bernie Moreno went with one word: "Treason."
The tunnels have a simpler question. Where is this energy for the rest of us?
You, the New Yorker paying $3,800 a month for a one-bedroom with a radiator that sounds like a jazz drummer, have never gotten a 90-second, professionally lit, City Hall-produced video about your rights. Nobody explained how to ask your landlord to "pass the heat under the door." Nobody gave you a hotline when Con Edison doubled your bill. Nobody told you, "Am I free to go?" works on a co-op board.
The mayor has found a hotline, a script and a camera crew. It just took the federal government knocking for City Hall to finally notice the door.
I filed a Freedom of Information request asking how many city videos explain how to get a pothole filled. The response was slid under my door. It was a Chinese takeout menu.
So here's the takeaway from the investigation: if ICE knocks, New Yorkers now have a bilingual playbook. If the landlord knocks, the mayor's advice is the same as it's always been: pay him.
Satire disclaimer: The Demorat is a parody publication. This article is satire and commentary based on publicly reported events. Quotes from real public figures are drawn from published reports; everything else is a joke. Tunnel Tucker is a fictional rat.
The real story that inspired this
