German Chancellor Friedrich Merz says his country is the target of "intensive" espionage, according to the BBC, after another arrest of a suspected spy for Russia, one of several such cases in Germany this year.
Intensive. That's the most German word possible for "there are a lot of spies." Only in Germany would espionage be graded on an efficiency scale. Light espionage. Moderate espionage. Intensive espionage, now with extra precision.
Tim the Ratcast reached out to the sewers under Berlin for comment. The rats there report a sharp rise in foot traffic from men in long coats who keep asking for directions to the Bundestag and then apologizing for not having the correct form.
Because that's the real defense of Germany. Not tanks. Paperwork. A Russian operative arrives in Berlin to steal state secrets and discovers he first needs a residence registration, a tax ID, an appointment at the Bürgeramt (next available slot: March 2028), and a separate form to request the form. By the time the paperwork clears, the secrets are outdated and the spy has started a career in insurance.
Let's be fair to Germany, they have had a complicated relationship with Moscow. For years Berlin's plan was to buy cheap Russian gas, ship cars east, and assume that trade makes everyone friends. It turned out the friendship was mostly one-way and Moscow kept the receipts. Now the German government has discovered that a country you've been paying for energy might also be paying people to watch you. Who could have seen it coming? Every other country in Europe, actually. They said so. Loudly.
Tim imagines the briefing at the Chancellery. Advisor: "Herr Chancellor, we have identified intensive espionage." Merz: "How intensive?" Advisor: "Very. They know everything." Merz: "Even our budget?" Advisor: "Especially our budget." Merz: "Then they know more than we do."
There is good news, though. German counterintelligence keeps catching people, which suggests that somewhere a bureaucrat noticed a spy's form wasn't filled out in black ink. That's how the free world wins. Not with James Bond, but with Klaus from Department 4, who is very upset about your handwriting.
The lesson for the rest of the West: if Russia is running intensive espionage on Germany, a country famous for punctuality and security, the rest of us are definitely being watched. So smile. Somebody in a long coat is taking notes. Probably on the wrong form.
The Demorat is satire. This article is a comedy roast based on real news reports; quotes and scenarios beyond the cited facts are invented for laughs.
The real story that inspired this
