AUGUSTA, Maine — Gov. Janet Mills has welcomed the federal release of heating oil to help Mainers stay warm this winter, and she wanted every shivering household to know exactly how she felt about it. So she issued a statement. From Dublin, Ireland.

The press release from the governor's office, dated October 21, carries the dateline "Dublin, IRELAND," and in it Mills says she welcomes the release "as the seasons change and the cold quickly sets in." Which, to be fair, is accurate. It is getting cold. In Maine. Where she isn't.

Let's run the numbers, because somebody in this state should.

The U.S. Department of Energy announced on October 21 that it will exchange up to 315,000 barrels of fuel oil from the Northeast Home Heating Oil Reserve, a one-million-barrel stockpile with sites in South Portland, Boston and New Haven. Sen. Susan Collins' office says that's about a third of the reserve and a 13 percent supply increase for New England. The reserve has been tapped only twice in its 26-year history and, per both Collins' office and the Maine Wire, never before to bring down heating prices. Companies that take the oil have to return the same amount plus a premium before the 2027-28 heating season. So it's a loan. Even the emergency oil has a payment plan.

Now the bill. The Maine Wire reports heating fuel in Maine hit a record $6.02 a gallon last month, topping the 2022 record of $5.92. On a standard 275-gallon tank, Mainers were expected to pay $740 more per fill-up than a year earlier. Divide that out and it's about $2.69 more per gallon. Collins' office says roughly half of Maine households heat with fuel oil. That's not a line item. That's a second car payment that you burn.

Here's the part I enjoyed as an accountant. Mills' statement manages to welcome the oil, thank the delegation, ask Congress for more LIHEAP money and blame President Trump's war for the prices, all in one paragraph. She calls the price spike "a crisis of the President's own making" and says Maine people deserve "long-term solutions that bring down costs, not just temporary relief."

Strong words. Also strong words: the Energy Secretary's. Chris Wright, in the DOE announcement, called the release "a temporary measure to solve a temporary supply disruption" and urged New England and New York governors to help build the Constitution Pipeline and replace heating oil with cheaper natural gas. So the long-term solution was offered, in writing, the same day. The governor asking for long-term solutions just has to cash the check.

Let me put it in household terms. If your furnace guy says, "I can patch it now, but the real fix is a new line," you don't thank him for the patch and then complain to your sister in Dublin that nobody's offering a real fix. You say, "When can you start?"

Bids on the oil are due October 27, and deliveries are scheduled to wrap by November 13. That's a little over three weeks from the announcement for 315,000 barrels to show up and start helping. Plenty of time for the governor to fly home and feel the effect personally.

Bottom line for the Mainer reading this in a wool hat at the kitchen table: you're getting about 13 percent more oil, a statement about a war, and a postcard. The oil's real. The postcard's from Ireland. Keep the receipts.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

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