I've seen things down in the tunnels. I've seen a possum bench-press a meatball. I've seen two rats settle a turf war with an arm-wrestling match that lasted until the Lincoln Tunnel flooded. But I had never seen a former president of the United States close out a Senate race by reviewing a candidate's sleeves.
Until Saturday.
Barack Obama took the stage at Cass Technical High School in Detroit for a get-out-the-vote rally with Michigan Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed and gubernatorial candidate Jocelyn Benson, the Daily Wire reported. Days before the election, in one of the most contested Senate races in the country, Obama made his case.
"I mean, he's just a jock, you know," Obama said. "He, like, you see those big guns? That's why he wears those T-shirts, you know."
Let's walk through the evidence by flashlight.
Exhibit A: the résumé. Obama did run through the bio first. Born in Michigan, raised in Michigan, parents in the auto industry, captain of his high school football, lacrosse and wrestling teams. Solid material. Then he skipped past every committee El-Sayed would sit on and landed on the arms. When a two-term president's closing argument is a forearm, you have to wonder what happened to the opening argument.
Exhibit B: the T-shirts. According to the former president, the short sleeves aren't a wardrobe choice. They're a strategic decision, made to display the guns. Michigan voters have been asking about grocery bills, car insurance and heating costs. The campaign has now answered one question nobody asked, which is why the candidate dresses like he's always on his way to help someone move a couch.
Exhibit C: the pivot. Moments later, Obama said El-Sayed is "taking on crony capitalism and corrupt politics." So the full pitch, in order, was: hometown, team captain, biceps, crony capitalism. Most campaigns put the biceps last, if at all. This one put them right before the economy, like a waiter recommending the steak and then mentioning the building is on fire.
I ran it past my source Gus, a retired sewer rat who has lifted nothing heavier than a dropped french fry since 2009. Gus nodded slowly. "Back in my day," he said, "you had to win the primary before anybody checked your arms." Then he flexed. Nothing happened. He said it was a cold tunnel.
Exhibit D: the opponent. Republican Mike Rogers, who is running against El-Sayed, has spent the final stretch talking about which Democratic voters he says are turning his way, and a Democratic congresswoman told Politico he's courting Black voters harder than any Republican she can remember. The Democrats' response from the main stage in Detroit was, essentially, have you seen this guy in a T-shirt.
Look, nobody down here is against strong arms. You need them to carry groceries, which at current prices is a lighter lift than it used to be. But when the closing argument for a United States Senate seat can be summed up as "look at him," voters may reasonably ask the follow-up.
Gus has started wearing T-shirts. He says the polls are tightening.
The Demorat is satire. Tunnel Tucker is a fictional character, and so is Gus. Quotes from real people are taken from their public statements, interviews, and reporting; everything else is made up for laughs.
The real story that inspired this
