Breaking news from the Great Lakes: one single machine inside one refinery in Joliet, Illinois, sneezed, and now five states are paying for it at the pump.
According to the Daily Caller, citing AAA, regular gas jumped about 17 cents a gallon overnight in Michigan, 10 cents in Ohio, 8 cents in Indiana, 6 cents in Kentucky and 2.5 cents in Illinois between Wednesday and Thursday. Bloomberg, via Crain's Chicago Business, confirmed Midwest prices spiked after ExxonMobil shut a key unit at its Joliet plant. The culprit is a 50,000-barrel-per-day catalytic reformer, which is the part of the refinery that turns weak, low-octane fuel into actual gasoline. Basically the gym bro of the refinery. And this week the gym bro pulled a hammy.
ExxonMobil told CNN it is "working to resolve an operational issue." That's corporate for "we've hit it with a wrench twice and we're thinking about a third." No timeline was given, which is also how my contractor talks.
Michigan drivers got wrecked the worst. AAA put the state average at $4.61 for regular on Thursday, up from $3.04 a year ago, against a national average of $4.27. Energy analyst Tom Kloza, chief energy advisor at Gulf Oil, said wholesale prices climbed another 25 cents later Thursday morning and warned the numbers are "pointing to $5/gallon prices in many cases." Five-dollar gas in Detroit. Henry Ford is spinning in his grave fast enough to power a small turbine, which honestly, at this point, somebody should hook up to the grid.
Kloza also said American refining is now in a "zero tolerance" era, which means our entire fuel supply has the structural redundancy of a Jenga tower in an earthquake. One unit goes down in Illinois and a guy in Toledo has to choose between a full tank and his kid's Halloween costume. "Sorry, Timmy, you're going as a pothole this year."
Here's the part that should make every regulator who spent the last 15 years treating refineries like toxic ex-boyfriends very uncomfortable. The country hasn't built a major new refinery in decades, the existing ones are running hot, and the people who made it nearly impossible to expand capacity are now shocked, shocked, that there's no spare capacity. You don't get to ban the fire extinguisher and then cry about the kitchen.
The good news, if you can call it that: Kloza said he doesn't think the "crazy numbers" can last and expects Great Lakes prices to start falling before the month is over. So hang in there, Michigan. Relief is coming, right after you've already paid for it.
In the meantime, Wallet Walsh has a few money-saving tips for Midwest drivers. Coast downhill in neutral. Draft behind semis like it's the Daytona 500. Tell your kids the car is "resting." And if anyone at the pump asks why you're crying, just say it's the fumes. Everyone will understand.
This article is satire from The Demorat. Price figures and quotes are as reported by the Daily Caller (citing AAA and analyst Tom Kloza) and Bloomberg via Crain's Chicago Business; jokes, tips and commentary are parody, not financial or driving advice. Please do not coast in neutral.
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