I've been down in the tunnels a long time. I've seen a pigeon try to board a subway car with confidence it hadn't earned. Friday I saw something worse: the governor of Illinois practicing his catwalk on a public sidewalk.

Gov. JB Pritzker posted a video with a content creator, according to The Daily Wire. The two walk down a sidewalk, spin toward the camera, and pose like the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show had just called their names. Pritzker's explanation for skipping the real runway was that he "had to hold it down in Illinois."

Hold it down. In Illinois. A state where folks are holding down two jobs to cover one property tax bill.

This is no one-time slip. Back in August, Pritzker posted a video striking model faces under the caption "when you're in an aura-farming contest and your opponent is JB." Aura-farming, for those of us without a ring light, means trying hard to look effortlessly cool. That one got ratioed so badly that RealClearPolitics president Tom Bevan called it maybe "the cringiest thing he's ever posted." The governor heard that, thought it over, and came back with more strutting.

He has also embraced the phrase "governor-maxing." I've heard a lot of rats chattering in the drainpipes. None of them ever dared to say "governor-maxing."

Let's look at what's being held down. Illinois homeowners pay some of the highest property taxes in the country. Residents keep loading U-Hauls for Indiana with the energy of a prison break. And the man in charge is out on a sidewalk working on his turn at the end of the runway.

To be fair, the governor did show some range. He turned, he paused, he gave the camera a look. If that same look had been aimed at a pension spreadsheet, Illinois might have a balanced budget by Christmas.

The supporters loved it. "The duo I didn't know I needed," one wrote. Another said, "Immaculate. Next time let him hold your purse." Somewhere in Springfield a staffer read that comment and wrote it into the 2028 strategy memo.

When CBS asked about a presidential run, Pritzker said, "I want to be the governor of the state of Illinois for a while longer." Translation: the Illinois sidewalks are free and the lighting is good.

Every politician needs a hobby. Some golf. Some fish. Some write memoirs nobody reads. Pritzker found the one hobby that requires a camera crew, a co-star, and his state's ongoing embarrassment, all at the same time.

Down in the tunnels we've got a word for a creature who struts while the walls are leaking. We call him "the landlord."

So here's my advice to the Fashion Show, from one tunnel professional. Next year, send the invitation. Let him walk. Illinois has already been paying for the show for years. It might as well get the soundtrack.

This article is satire from The Demorat. It's based on a video Gov. Pritzker posted and on reporting by The Daily Wire, and it's written for comedy. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show has not actually invited him.

The real story that inspired this