Two weeks after Shane Gillis hosted "Saturday Night Live," the nation's professional offense-takers are still lying on the fainting couch, clutching smelling salts and a ring light. The crime? A fat guy from Mechanicsburg made a joke about gym shorts. On a comedy show. During the part of the show that is literally called a monologue, where a comedian says jokes.

Here's what happened, per NBC News and TODAY. In his Oct. 10 monologue, Gillis riffed that he hadn't been to the gym in so long he "didn't know women just dress like" (we'll let you fill in the word that rhymes with "chores") now, then went on a bit about neon shorts. The studio audience gave it the warm reception of a dentist's waiting room. And then the internet did what the internet does: it lost its entire mind.

"Schitt's Creek" star Dan Levy posted an Instagram video saying he was "speechless that something like that can exist on live national television." Speechless, in a video, where he kept talking. Comedian Phoebe Robinson filmed herself asking, "What is the joke?" Feminist writer Jessica Valenti captioned a TikTok "I am LIVID."

Now the grown-ups have entered the chat. On their podcast "Fly on the Wall," Dana Carvey and David Spade looked at the smoking crater of discourse and asked the obvious question. "I just saw it as what we call — I'll just say it — a joke," Carvey said, per Page Six and Fox News. "When you say jokes, you're not literally saying women are" — chores-rhyme. "Did I just get canceled?"

Spade went further and pointed out the double standard. "There's people that say, 'Oh, don't make fun of OnlyFans. Don't make fun of strippers. These are sex workers. They need to be respected.' And then everyone hates Sydney Sweeney," he said. "Let's all decide what we hate and don't and how about we just relax."

Relax? RELAX? Sir, these people haven't relaxed since 2015. Relaxing is problematic. Relaxing is what colonizers did on beaches. The modern outrage professional runs on oat-milk cortisol and a deep, spiritual need to be the main character in somebody else's bad night.

To be fair, even Spade's own producer said on the podcast that the joke "has to be actually funny," and it wasn't. Totally fair! That's called a review. "That bit bombed" is a review. "That bit is a national emergency requiring a statement from NBCUniversal" is a hostage negotiation.

The Demorat's investigative rat team went down into the sewer and obtained exclusive, completely made-up reactions from the Outrage Industrial Complex. One activist said she had been "re-traumatized by a man in a Hawaiian shirt describing spandex." Another demanded that SNL replace all future monologues with a land acknowledgment and a guided breathing exercise. A third announced she would never watch SNL again, which SNL's ratings department noted she had not done since 2009.

Here's the thing the hall monitors keep missing: Gillis got fired from that very show in 2019 for old podcast jokes, came back bigger than ever, and has now hosted it three times. Every time the mob tries to cancel this guy, he sells out another arena. At this point the outrage isn't a punishment. It's his marketing department, and it works for free.

So take Spade's advice. Put down the phone, unclench, go to the gym, and wear whatever shorts you want. Just don't be shocked when a comedian notices.

— Tunnel Tucker is The Demorat's Lib Lunacy correspondent. This is satire.

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