Case file 11-03-B. Subject: activists who scheduled the protest against a stolen election before anyone counted the election.
I've been in the tunnels a long time. I've seen rats hold a funeral for a cheese wheel that was still in the fridge. Black veils, eulogy, the works. When I asked who died, they said, "Nobody yet. We like to be ready." I thought that was a sewer thing. Turns out it's a calendar invite.
Here are the facts. Washington Examiner columnist Christopher Tremoglie wrote that he attended left-wing activist trainings and obtained literature from Indivisible. According to his account, organizers set Nov. 7 for nationwide protests, with plans to "shut down" transportation hubs and stage an "economic blackout" by staying home, pulling kids out of school and skipping "economic activity."
Slides from the training read, "If Trump tries to steal the election, we will need people in the streets to demand that they count every vote." Then, on the very same slide, "Just like 2020!"
Detectives, read that twice. The 2020 election is the one their guy won.
Meanwhile out west, San Diego Republican Amy Reichert shared what she said was an Activate San Diego email, reported by PJ Media and the California Globe. Per her post, it laid out up to 120,000 protesters mobilizing within hours, daily demonstrations at Waterfront Park from 4 to 8 p.m., goggles and N95 masks, and stockpiling two months of food. Specifically, rice and beans. The group, she said, had spent 94 weeks preparing.
Ninety-four weeks. That's longer than most of these folks have kept a houseplant alive.
Let's examine the evidence. The revolution runs 4 to 8 p.m. That's not an uprising. That's happy hour with a permit. Somewhere a barista is already planning to call out sick at 3:45, which, technically, counts as economic activity.
And the economic blackout? Stay home, don't work, pull the kids from school. Comrades, I checked the calendar. Nov. 7 is a Saturday. You have organized a weekend. The kids are already out of school. The only economy that notices is the delivery app, which is about to have its best night since the pandemic.
Shutting down train stations and bus depots doesn't hit billionaires, either. Billionaires don't take the bus. You know who does? The nurse trying to get to a 7 a.m. shift, the dishwasher with rent due Friday, and the guy whose car died in October. The revolution has looked at the little guy, and decided he needed to walk.
And two months of rice and beans? That's not resistance. That's a cleanse.
The trainings even compared President Trump to South Korea's 2024 martial law crisis. Tremoglie notes they offered no evidence. I checked the tunnels too. Nothing. Just a rat in a beret practicing the word "solidarity" in a mirror.
I asked a tunnel elder what he made of a protest booked before the results. "Down here we wait for the cheese to be gone before we cry about it," he said, chewing a stack of laminated slides. "Up there they buy the veils in bulk."
Case remains open. The polls close tonight, the outrage clocks in daily at 4, and somewhere under San Diego a rat is still standing over a perfectly healthy cheese wheel, holding a funeral he scheduled 94 weeks ago.
The Demorat is satire. This article is a parody based on real news reports and is not meant to be taken as literal fact.
The real story that inspired this
