Case file 11-01. Subject: a provincial lawmaker, a bill about burglars, and the most relaxed home security plan ever entered into the official record.

I've been in the tunnels a long time. I've seen a rat guard a single french fry like it was the crown jewels. Down here, everybody defends their stuff. Up there, apparently, you call your agent.

Billie Cross is an NDP member of the Manitoba Legislature, representing Seine River in Wab Kinew's government. On Oct. 29, she rose to speak against Bill 210, The Criminal Trespassers Act.

Here's what the bill actually does, per the official Hansard record. It bars a person 12 or older who trespasses to commit a crime from suing the property owner for getting hurt on the property. The owner can still be held liable if what they did was wilful, grossly disproportionate, and ended in a criminal conviction. Its sponsor, PC MLA Derek Johnson, said it doesn't change self-defence law or allow booby traps.

So the question on the table was simple: should a burglar be able to sue you because your porch steps were icy?

Cross had concerns. "Why would we want to give people this power? It's absurd," she said.

Then came the line that went viral on X this weekend.

"I don't think anyone's property is more valuable than a human life. That's why we have insurance. That's why we buy insurance for our property," she told the Legislature. "You know, we tell people who work in retail, someone comes in, they want to steal, let them steal. It's not worth your life."

I put down my coffee. I picked up my notepad. I wrote one word on it: "deductible."

Detectives, let's be fair to the record. She was talking about not chasing a shoplifter, and nobody wants a clerk dying over a pack of gum. But the bill on the floor wasn't about clerks. It was about whether the guy who climbed your fence at 3 a.m. gets to send you an invoice for his sprained ankle.

Her answer to that was, essentially, insurance.

Let me walk you through what "that's why we have insurance" means at a regular Manitoba kitchen table. You get robbed. You file a claim. You pay the deductible. Your premium goes up. Your neighbor's premium goes up. Then the thief, if he slipped on your driveway, gets to sue you, and you get to call your insurance company a second time in one week. Congratulations. You've been robbed twice, and the second time had paperwork.

PC MLA Wayne Balcaen, who spent 33 years in law enforcement, answered right after her. "Manitobans, you heard it: if somebody wants to steal, let them steal. I can't believe that a member of our Chamber would say such a thing," he said, per Hansard.

Cross also told the House she wants Manitoba to be a place where people "don't feel like they have to come onto your property and take something." A noble goal. Until then, the plan is apparently to let them take it, then thank your broker.

Case remains open. I asked the french-fry rat what he'd do if a thief came for his fry. He didn't call his agent. He doesn't have one. He has teeth, and so far nobody in the Legislature has figured out how to make teeth come with a deductible.

The Demorat is satire. This article is a parody based on real news reports and is not meant to be taken as literal fact.

The real story that inspired this