Case file 10-30. Subject: a soccer legend, a podcast microphone, and the scoreboard.

I've been in the tunnels a long time. I've seen rats fight over a single French fry. I've seen a possum referee a dispute about a pizza crust. Every one of those contests had rules. Nobody down here ever stood up and said the fry fight wasn't meant to be fair.

Then I heard the tape.

Megan Rapinoe, two-time World Cup champion, sat down with comedian W. Kamau Bell to talk about trans athletes in women's sports, according to OutKick. She said she was "appalled" by "the lack of basic humanity and empathy" and "the amount of fear and hate" she sees from people who object.

Then she cracked the case wide open.

"God forbid somebody be good at sports and have some sort of advantage," she said, "and, by the way, sports is not fair in any sort of way ever. Right?"

Bell clapped. "Yeah, it's not meant to be fair," he said.

I took off my hat. I put it back on. I took it off again.

Sports is not fair. This from a woman who played in a sport with referees, linesmen, a rulebook, offsides, yellow cards, red cards, and a man in a booth watching replays in slow motion so nobody gets an unfair goal. The whole game is a fairness machine with a ball in it.

Weight classes exist. Age brackets exist. Women's divisions exist. They were built by people who looked at a 220-pound man and a 120-pound woman in a boxing ring and said, "Let's not."

Bell offered the defense's star witness: 7-foot-4 Victor Wembanyama. He's tall, so nothing is fair, so anything goes. By that logic, the Kentucky Derby should let a motorcycle enter. It has an advantage. Sports isn't fair.

When the hypothetical of LeBron James "with a wig on" came up, Rapinoe said that example "isn't happening" and "you couldn't just say, one day, 'I'm a woman' and go play. That's not how it works."

The same OutKick report described a Washington high school runner who switched from the boys' team to the girls' team midseason. Boys' side: 76th in a junior varsity race. Girls' side: one varsity win and three second-place finishes.

No wig. Just a different start line.

Then came my favorite piece of evidence. "I've won everything at every level," Rapinoe said, in the same conversation where she explained that sports is never fair.

Detective work 101: if nothing is fair, the trophies are souvenirs.

The record also shows the U.S. women's national team once lost 5-2 to an FC Dallas under-15 boys' team in a scrimmage. Fifteen-year-olds. Some were still waiting on a learner's permit. That score is the reason women's sports have their own division, and the women knew it.

I asked a rat in the evidence locker what he thought. He said he'd stopped racing the subway train years ago. Not because he's afraid. Because the train is a train.

Rapinoe closed by saying she's "okay if God forbid a trans person play sports and they're halfway decent at it." Noted. The girls who finished one spot behind on the podium were not asked to be on the podcast.

Case remains open. I've filed a motion to have the scoreboard declared a hate symbol, since apparently it's the only thing in sports still keeping score.

The Demorat is satire. This article is a parody based on real news reports and is not meant to be taken as literal fact.

The real story that inspired this