THIS IS NOT A DRILL. California has spent $29 million to count votes faster. Faster. In California. Officials have not said faster than what, and this reporter has been screaming into a pillow since dawn.

Here is what we know, and we are confirming every word because the stakes have never been more medium.

On Monday, the day before the election, Gov. Gavin Newsom's office announced it had sent nearly $40 million to every county in the state. Of that, $29 million is for staffing, technology and equipment "to speed up counting." Another $5 million goes to county voter outreach, $5 million to statewide outreach through the Secretary of State, and $750,000 to fight misinformation.

Twenty-nine million dollars. For speed. In the state where election night is more of a season.

Stay with me, people, because it gets worse. This is California. In 2024, the AP didn't call a Central Valley House race until December 4. December! It was the last House race in the country to be decided. Voters finished their leftover turkey before California finished its leftover ballots. And now we are told there is new money, new staff, and new technology. Sources have not confirmed whether the new technology is a second pencil.

Everyone stay calm. I am not calm. Nobody in this newsroom is calm. The intern has eaten a stapler.

The governor's office also highlighted new laws. One makes it a felony to seize ballots, election records or voting machines before results are certified. Another makes it a felony for someone in authority to interfere with the delivery of a mail ballot. Newsom has warned that a presidential pardon won't protect anyone from California charges. Fine. Serious stuff. But I need everyone to focus on the real emergency, which is the phrase "before results are certified." In California, that is not a deadline. That is a lifestyle.

And then there is the $750,000 for misinformation. Three-quarters of a million dollars to fight false claims online. Here's a free tip, California. The fastest way to stop rumors about your count is to finish your count. Rumors grow in the dark, and California leaves the lights off until mid-November.

Back to the money, because I cannot stop. If counting faster costs $29 million, what was the old budget paying for? Was the old system a single volunteer named Gary with a magnifying glass and a dream? Did someone finally notice that Florida counts its votes the same night? Florida! The state that once spent five weeks staring at a punch card! Florida got faster. California got a grant.

Officials say the money will help counties process ballots quickly and securely. I am told that is good. I am also told I need to stop calling the Secretary of State's office every four minutes to ask, "Are we there yet?"

Polls close at 8 p.m. Pacific. Experts have not said when the count ends, and frankly, neither will I, because some of us have to sleep before Thanksgiving.

We will update this story as soon as California does. Please, bring snacks.

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The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations and fictional elements are not factual claims. Quotes attributed to real people are drawn from published reporting.

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