ATTENTION, AMERICA. Former President Barack Obama has issued a Halloween voting reminder, and this desk can now confirm the reminder contains a pun. Repeat: the pun has been located, it is airborne, and it is from 2016.
"Don't boo, vote!" Obama posted on X Saturday. "There's nothing scarier than not voting. Enjoy Halloween, but make sure you have a plan to vote on November 3rd."
Stay calm. Do not approach the pun.
Emergency crews are on the scene and have identified the line. "Don't boo, vote" is the same phrase Obama told the crowd at the 2016 Democratic National Convention, when the audience booed and he told them to vote instead. It has been ten years. The line has been reactivated. It now has an exclamation point it did not have before. Officials have not said where the exclamation point came from.
We are now getting reports on the second sentence. "There's nothing scarier than not voting." Folks, this desk has checked. Things that are scarier than not voting include the price of a dozen eggs, an electric bill that arrives in a thicker envelope than usual, and opening your banking app in a grocery store parking lot. Investigators say the list is still growing and asked residents to stay away from their mailboxes.
The third sentence is where it gets dangerous. "Enjoy Halloween, but make sure you have a plan to vote." A plan. On Halloween. When the average American's plan for tonight is "turn off the porch light and pretend we're not home." Experts warn that adding a voting plan to a trick-or-treat plan could overload a household's single working flashlight.
Officials want you to know the facts are not in dispute. Election Day is Tuesday, November 3. Voting matters. None of that is the emergency.
The emergency is the pun.
A former president with a Nobel Prize, several bestselling books and his own production company looked at the most important midterm of the year and decided the closing argument was a ghost noise. Sources inside this newsroom confirm that is the same strategy used by a kindergarten bulletin board in late October.
We are being told the post has been seen by many, many people. We cannot tell you how many have booed. We are asking those people not to boo, and to instead read the previous sentence again.
Residents in the affected area are advised to keep candy indoors, keep calm, and keep their exclamation points where they can see them. This desk will remain on the air until the pun is contained or until it is used again in 2036, whichever comes first.
Once more for anyone just tuning in: don't panic, don't boo, and for the love of all that is holy, do not let him find a pumpkin pun.
The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations, and fictional details are not factual claims.
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