THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Los Angeles has run the numbers on its mayor's race and both Democrats are sitting at exactly 40 percent, which means a city of nearly four million people is currently deadlocked between the woman who has been running it and the woman who has been helping her run it. Officials urge residents to remain calm, stay indoors, and avoid looking directly at a pothole.
The new Berkeley IGS poll, co-sponsored by the Los Angeles Times and reported by NBC Los Angeles and USA Today, has Mayor Karen Bass and Councilmember Nithya Raman tied at 40 apiece among likely voters, with 19 percent undecided. In September, Raman led 39 to 28. In five weeks, Bass erased an 11-point deficit. The city's broken streetlights, sadly, were not polled and have shown no such momentum.
And where did Bass find her surge? According to the Times, most of it came from voters who backed Spencer Pratt in the June primary. Let that sink in. The incumbent Democratic mayor of the second-largest city in America is being rescued by the "Hills" guy's leftovers. Somewhere a reality-show producer is screaming into a pillow because no writers' room would pitch this. Too on the nose. Not believable. Cut it.
Meanwhile, BREAKING AND ALSO ESCALATING: Raman's campaign is the one that posted a video, filmed with a progressive content creator, that put Bass and Police Chief Jim McDonnell on screen beside the tagline "Only you can stop fascist liars." Raman later told NBC Los Angeles it was edited to look like she meant them, that she was actually talking about ICE, and that her team took it down "immediately." She did, in the same video, say she'd remove McDonnell as chief. So the official position is: not a fascist, just fired.
Bass, for her part, said, "I don't know how I could ever be characterized as a fascist." Mayor, with respect, nobody is accusing you of having the energy for it.
Here is the situation, and I need every viewer to brace. One candidate has been mayor during the fires, the homeless count, and the streetlights. The other candidate has sat on the City Council that votes on the budget for all three. Their main debate is over which of them is to blame for the city they both governed. It is like two people standing in a flooded kitchen arguing over who left the faucet on while the faucet keeps running and the toaster quietly floats by.
The poll was conducted online, in English and Spanish, among 2,197 likely voters, with a margin of error of about three points. That means the race is tied, or one of them is ahead, or the other one is ahead. Science.
Officials at this desk have activated the emergency siren, the backup emergency siren, and a small handheld kazoo. Nineteen percent of Los Angeles is still undecided, five days out, between Democrat and Democrat. Election Day is November 3. Whoever wins, Angelenos are advised to keep a flashlight in the car, because the streetlight situation remains, as of this broadcast, fully bipartisan in the one party that's on the ballot.
Stay tuned. Stay alert. Stay out of the pothole on Sunset.
The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is a comedy roast built on real reported events; jokes, exaggerations and fictional characters are not real news.
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