ATTENTION, CALIFORNIA. Please remain in your homes and check the dairy drawer, because Gov. Gavin Newsom went on late-night television Wednesday and announced that he has a sell-by date. Repeat: the governor of the largest state in the union is officially perishable. Officials are urging residents not to sniff him.

Here is what happened, and every fact is exact, because Siren Sam screams but Siren Sam does not round. Newsom appeared on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" to talk about the end of his term, joking that he doesn't like having a "sell-by date." Then he pivoted to the midterms. "Donald Trump has a sell-by date in six days," Newsom said, "when his presidency ends as we know it."

Six days. Folks, that is a powerful prediction, and this reporter has just been handed a calendar showing that President Trump's actual term runs to January 2029. Trump is not on Tuesday's ballot. Not in California. Not anywhere. His name is not on a single bubble you can fill in. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE GOVERNOR HAS CHALLENGED A MAN WHO WILL NOT BE AT THE FIGHT.

The developments kept coming. "This is going to be a blue tsunami," Newsom told Kimmel, according to TheWrap and the Daily Beast. "It's a legitimate open question about the Senate. But the House of Representatives is a fait accompli." Fait accompli. That's French for "please don't check the polls again." Kimmel, to his credit, pointed out that polls have predicted blue waves before and Election Day proved them wrong. Newsom was not concerned. The tsunami warning remains in effect. The tsunami has not been informed.

And then, ladies and gentlemen, the governor got anatomical. Asked about Trump's habit of commenting on people's physiques, Newsom said Trump has "a bit of a fixation" on certain body parts, adding that the only one he cares about "is the one we're going to kick on Tuesday." On Thursday he posted the uncensored version to X: "We're going to kick Donald Trump's ass next week."

Please stay calm. Let's go over the logistics. To kick something on Tuesday, it must be present on Tuesday. Trump will be at the White House. Newsom will be in California, a state where you need a permit to kick anything. Somebody tell the governor the man he's planning to boot isn't even on the menu, let alone the ballot.

Meanwhile, back at home, Californians are still paying some of the highest gas prices in the country, and the guy in charge of the state spent his week workshopping a kick. The tsunami is coming. Your rent already came.

Emergency crews have now confirmed the governor's real sell-by date. It's printed right there on the carton: January 2027, when his term ends. The president's is January 2029. That's a two-year gap, people. In dairy terms, that is a crisis.

Residents are advised to check every label, refrigerate their expectations, and remember that a tsunami you announce on a talk show is mostly just a wave.

This has been Siren Sam. Stay safe. Stay chilled. Kick responsibly.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this