ATTENTION ALL ALASKANS. Please move away from your windows and toward a calm, well-lit area, because Democratic Senate candidate Mary Peltola has just been informed that the New York Times sells subscriptions. Repeat: the New York Times is a business. It wants your money. Officials are asking residents not to panic, and also not to click on anything that says "$1 a week."

Here's what happened, and every fact is exact, because Siren Sam may be screaming but Siren Sam is never wrong. On Wednesday, the Times published an investigation reporting that Peltola's campaign was involved in recruiting a retiree named Daniel J. Sullivan to run in the same Senate race as Republican Sen. Dan S. Sullivan. The paper said its reporting drew on interviews with 12 people, dozens of text messages and documents prepared for a potential lawsuit. Her former campaign manager told the Times that Peltola knew about the effort but didn't take part directly, then later tried to take her statements back. The Times disclosed that, too.

And Peltola's response, from remarks in Soldotna reported by the Alaska Story: "This is all stuff to sell newspapers. This is all stuff to get subscriptions. Nobody at the New York Times cares about affordability in Alaska."

STOP THE PRESSES. Actually, don't stop the presses. Apparently that's the whole scheme.

Folks, I have covered tornadoes. I have covered a broken podium. I have never seen a Democrat turn on the New York Times this fast. This is the paper Democrats quote at Thanksgiving. This is the paper they leave on the coffee table so guests know they read things. And now, one bad story later, it's a sinister subscription racket run by people who don't care about Alaskan grocery prices. If the Times starts covering the Peltola campaign's sports section, she may call in the National Guard.

The developments are coming in hot. Alaska Gov. Mike Dunleavy, a Republican, said Wednesday night he's directing the Department of Public Safety to investigate whether the effort warrants criminal charges or civil penalties. CNN reports that the Alaska Division of Elections had looked into similar concerns back in June. Some legal experts quoted in coverage say the tactic may not be illegal at all. Nobody has been charged with anything. President Trump has demanded Peltola be removed from the ballot. Peltola has called the whole thing "just another distraction."

A distraction! From affordability! Which, this reporter has to point out with her voice cracking, is exactly what a second Dan Sullivan on the ballot would be. One Dan Sullivan is a senator. The other Dan Sullivan, according to the Times, got recruited into the race by people who weren't him. That's two Dans and zero affordability plans, people. THAT is the crisis.

To be fair, she's right about one thing. The Times does want subscriptions, and this story will sell plenty, mostly to Alaskans trying to figure out which Dan they're voting for.

Residents are advised to read their ballots slowly, check the middle initial, and keep at least one hand on a moose for stability.

This has been Siren Sam. Stay safe. Stay subscribed. Apparently it's the same thing now.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this