SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — This is not a drill. Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker was confirmed Saturday inside a full Buzz Lightyear costume, seven days before Halloween, with no apparent plan to come back down.
Officials have now verified the suit is green, white and purple. Repeat: the suit is green, white and purple.
The sighting took place Oct. 24 at an early Halloween candy giveaway at the Illinois Governor's Mansion. First Lady MK Pritzker appeared beside him as Jessie the cowgirl. The governor was not wearing a disguise. He was wearing the opposite of a disguise.
Even the internet couldn't process it. Twitchy reported its own writers first assumed the photo was fake, searched the web, asked an AI chatbot, and only then declared it real. Think about that. A political news site needed a three-step verification process to confirm a sitting governor had chosen this.
Then the governor confirmed it himself. "I think the word you're searching for is 'Space Ranger,'" Pritzker posted. "It was truly out of this world to welcome trick-or-treaters to the Governor's Mansion today."
He corrected the public on the job title. Of the costume. In writing.
We are now receiving reports the costume has wings. We cannot stress this enough. The wings are attached.
Here's why this matters, and it matters enormously. Halloween is Saturday, Oct. 31. Election Day is Tuesday, Nov. 3. That leaves the governor one full week to wear the costume a second time, and nobody has ruled it out. Nobody.
Washington columnist Marc Thiessen compared the look to Michael Dukakis riding in a tank, according to Twitchy. That comparison may be unfair to the tank. The tank, at least, was told it was going to war.
Buzz Lightyear is the toy who spends the first half of the movie convinced he can fly and the second half learning he is plastic and was bought at a store. Illinois residents are being urged to remain calm and avoid drawing conclusions.
Remain. Calm.
Because there is a catchphrase, and authorities fear its use is now imminent. "To infinity and beyond" is a beautiful sentiment for a space toy. It is a less beautiful sentiment for anyone who has ever opened a property tax bill in Cook County and seen a number trending in that exact direction.
We have no confirmation that the governor said it. We have no denial either. Every second without a denial is a second the catchphrase remains at large.
Trick-or-treaters who visited the mansion Saturday report receiving candy. We repeat, candy. Investigators are working to determine whether the candy was funded by the state, the campaign, or a man whose family has more money than the toy chest in Andy's room.
The scene at the mansion is believed to be stable. The governor is believed to be out of the suit. A green spandex sleeve has not been located.
We will stay on this story through Saturday. And if that costume comes out of the closet again before Nov. 3, you will hear it here first, at full volume, with sirens.
Space Ranger. That was the word we were searching for.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
The real story that inspired this
