WASHINGTON — This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill, unless you count the drill sergeant energy of a former vice president who has decided that the best way to not run for president is to tour the exact states where you run for president.
According to Reuters, Kamala Harris is back on the campaign trail to help Democrats in the tightest midterm races, rallying in Georgia, Mississippi, Nevada, New Hampshire and Wisconsin before the November 3 election. The Associated Press reports her closing stretch runs from October 21 to October 30 and adds a Florida virtual event. The AP also notes, with the calm of a weather lady describing a Category 5, that the itinerary will have taken her to multiple early presidential primary states on Democrats' 2028 calendar.
Sound the alarms. Wake the neighbors. Somebody check on New Hampshire, which has been visited so many times by people who are definitely not running that it now gets a Christmas card from the Iowa Hawkeyes.
Harris says she has not decided about 2028. She has said this on a podcast, in a fireside chat and, presumably, to her own reflection in a Malibu mirror at 6 a.m. When Keke Palmer asked her on "Baby, This Is Keke Palmer" whether she would run again, Reuters reports Harris laughed, gripped the actress's hands and said, "Oh, girl, come on!" and then, "I haven't decided yet." She followed up with "the midterms, the midterms, the midterms," which is the first campaign slogan in history to be a chant, a strategy and a stall all at once.
In Detroit, per Fox News, she told NAACP leaders, "28 won't matter if we don't get through 26." Emergency crews are still working to determine whether that was a political observation or a locker combination.
Let us review the evidence with the urgency it deserves. A woman who says she is focused only on 2026 has scheduled a ten-day tour. That tour includes New Hampshire, which holds an early primary, and Nevada, which holds an early primary. It also includes Georgia and Wisconsin, which hold the kind of swing-state donor dinners where people write checks with a lot of zeroes and a little hope. If this is not a 2028 campaign, it is the most expensive coincidence since somebody accidentally bought a lifetime supply of yard signs.
CNN reported back in September that Harris was running a "Malibu-based version of a Rose Garden strategy," mostly staying home and posting videos. That means the emergency has escalated from "she's thinking about it" to "she has left the house." Officials urge residents in early-voting states to stay calm, secure their pets and avoid eye contact with anyone carrying a clipboard that says "just here for the midterms."
Democrats who are actually on the ballot this year should be thrilled. Nothing says "this race is about you, Senate candidate" like sharing a stage with someone whose entire press coverage is about a race that is two years away. It's like hiring a wedding singer who keeps asking the bride how she feels about a second marriage.
Reuters notes Harris lost the 2024 election and that her first White House campaign ended before the 2020 Democratic primaries. So this would be attempt number three. In emergency broadcasting, we call that a recurring alert. In sports, we call it a rebuilding year. In Malibu, apparently, we call it "Oh, girl, come on!"
Stay tuned. This station will interrupt your regularly scheduled programming again the moment she says the words "I haven't decided yet" in Iowa.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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