NEW YORK — This is an emergency broadcast for the five boroughs. Mayor Zohran Mamdani has released a video telling New Yorkers they need to bring nothing to the polls, and authorities are now urgently asking: not even a pen?

Repeat: nothing.

"In New York City, you don't need to bring anything with you to cast your vote at the polls," the mayor said in the clip, which was posted Monday and passed around by The Blaze, End Wokeness and roughly every uncle on the Long Island Expressway. "Our city's elections are secure."

Those two sentences came out in that order. One right after the other. Like a guy saying "the front door is off its hinges" and then "the house is very safe."

Now, the facts, because the facts stay exact even when the sirens are on. New York does not require a photo ID to vote. If you gave your driver's license number or the last four digits of your Social Security number when you registered, you can walk in, sign the book, and vote. If you didn't, poll workers may ask for ID, and you can still cast an affidavit ballot, according to Documented and the city Board of Elections. Early voting runs through Nov. 1. Election Day is Nov. 3.

So the mayor is technically correct. That is the most dangerous kind of correct.

Because this city requires ID for practically everything else. You need ID to pick up a package at the post office. You need ID to buy cold medicine. You need ID to get into a Midtown office building where the only thing worth stealing is a Keurig. A bodega on Atlantic Avenue will card a 41-year-old man for a six-pack and then lecture him about it.

But a ballot? Bring nothing. Show up like it's a free sample at Costco.

The Board of Elections says the city has more than 5.4 million eligible voters. That's 5.4 million people being told the one thing they don't need to bring is the one thing they bring everywhere else, including to the gym, where nobody is checking.

Supporters call it voter access. Critics call it an honor system with a flag on it. Sam calls it what it is: a city that makes you prove who you are to rent a Citi Bike but not to pick a governor.

And the pen. Nobody is talking about the pen. If voters bring nothing, who brings the pen? Are there enough pens? Has anyone counted the pens? Sam has called the Board of Elections twice about the pens. Sam has not been called back. The pens are, at press time, unaccounted for.

Officials say the pens are provided. Sam will believe it when Sam sees the pens.

In fairness, the mayor's video ends with a reminder that the city's elections are secure. Coming from the man who just told 5.4 million people to show up empty-handed, that's like a lifeguard telling you the pool is perfectly safe while he takes off his whistle.

Stay calm. Stay inside. And if you do go vote, bring nothing, except maybe a pen.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this