Case file 11-04-B. Subject: a cable news analyst who listed his four favorite holidays on live television, then added a fifth occasion nobody celebrates.

I've been in the tunnels a long time. I once saw a rat throw a birthday party at a funeral because the cake was already paid for. I thought that was the worst-read room I'd ever see. Then I turned on CNN.

Here are the facts, per Fox News and Mediaite. On Tuesday night, as Democrats were projected to win the House and Senate, CNN's Van Jones went on the air and said, "I'm happy, happy, happy! I'm so happy!"

He kept going. "This is like Christmas, and a birthday and the Easter Bunny and Halloween."

Fine. A man is allowed to love a blue wave. Christmas, a birthday, the Easter Bunny, Halloween. Four holidays. If he had stopped there, I would have closed this file and gone back to sleep.

He did not stop there.

"If you join a cult, at some point, the cult leader takes you to Jonestown and tries to get you to drink the Kool-Aid," Jones said. "This is Jonestown for the Republican Party."

Then, in case anyone had missed it: "It's Jonestown tonight."

So let me read the evidence back for the record. Christmas. A birthday. The Easter Bunny. Halloween. And the 1978 cult mass murder-suicide in Guyana where more than 900 people died. That's not a holiday lineup. That's a party planner who got the guest list from a true-crime podcast.

Now, the best part of the tape. Republican commentator Scott Jennings was sitting right next to him. Anderson Cooper turned and joked, "Scott, I don't know if you want to check what's in your glass."

Jennings said, "Do you realize I'm sitting right here? I can hear everything you're saying."

I want that on a plaque. That is the most honest sentence spoken on cable news this year, and it came from the guy who lost.

Jennings didn't sugarcoat it. He called the results "a country a-- whooping" and said the most immediate issue was "cost of living and gas prices."

And there it is, folks. Same desk, same night, two explanations. One man said voters were mad about what they pay at the pump. The other man said Kool-Aid.

Think about a regular voter at home Tuesday night. Two jobs, a car that drinks gas like it's free, a grocery bill that reads like a ransom note. She voted to make her life cheaper. Then she turned on the TV and found out, according to the analyst, she had actually attended Easter, Halloween and a cult compound in the same evening. She just wanted the eggs to cost less.

I brought the tape down to the tunnels and played it for the oldest rat I know. He has outlived four exterminators and one Senate majority. He watched the whole thing without a word. Then he asked, "Which part was the birthday?"

I said I didn't know.

"Then I'm not going," he said. "Last time somebody down here promised me Christmas and Kool-Aid in the same night, it was the exterminator."

Case remains open. The Democrats have the House, the Senate and two years to deliver. Van Jones has Christmas, a birthday, the Easter Bunny, Halloween and Jonestown. Somewhere, a party planner is updating the calendar, and nobody is bringing the punch.

The Demorat is satire. This article is a parody based on real news reports and is not meant to be taken as literal fact.

The real story that inspired this