WASHINGTON — A new Gallup poll asked Americans which values from a list the country needs most right now. Republicans picked patriotism first. Democrats picked it last, behind humility, which is a remarkable thing to rank ahead of anything if you've ever watched a Democratic convention.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is a scandal. You're wrong, as usual, and I'll explain why, slowly.

Here are the numbers, from the Gallup and With Honor survey of more than 3,000 adults taken May 12-22 and released this week. Among Democrats, the top three values the country needs are equality at 44%, fairness at 34% and kindness at 25%. Patriotism came in dead last at 6%. Republicans went patriotism at 46%, responsibility at 41% and honesty at 38%, and ranked equality next to last at 10%. USA Today reported the same split.

Six percent. That's not a value. That's a rounding error with a flag pin.

Now, the lazy take is that Democrats hate America. I reject that. Lazy takes are for people who read headlines, and you're one of them, so pay attention.

Democrats don't hate America. They simply believe the country needs more equality, more fairness and more kindness, and they'd like America to provide all three, at its own expense, without being thanked. That's not hatred. That's how a teenager feels about the family car.

Think about it from their side. If you love your country, you want it to live up to its ideals. Democrats looked at the list, found patriotism, and decided the country needed every other item on the list more. Including humility, which Americans overall ranked as the least needed value of all at 15%.

Every single value beat patriotism. At that point you're not ranking values. You're ranking the guests you'd rather not seat next to at Thanksgiving.

And yes, I'll say what nobody else will. Republicans ranked equality next to last, so don't get comfortable, red team. One party wants a country it can be proud of and the other wants a country that's fair, and both of them are mad the other one showed up to vote.

But only one party is campaigning on loving America eight days before an election while ranking it below "humility."

Here's the part that really gets me. The same poll found 79% of Americans, including 84% of Democrats, said respecting different values matters more than sharing the same ones. Democrats beat Republicans on that question by 12 points. They respect your values. They just don't need patriotism, which was one of them.

So the Democrats have built a party that's very tolerant of patriotism, the way you're tolerant of a cousin's guitar.

I've been told I'm too hard on them. I disagree. I'm exactly as hard as the data, and the data says six percent.

That's not a rounding error with a flag pin anymore. That's a flag pin with a rounding error.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

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