Everyone is laughing at the new New York Times/Siena poll that found 45% of Democratic primary voters have no idea who they want for president in 2028. Everyone is wrong. As usual, I am the only one in the room thinking clearly, and that includes you, reader, so sit down.

The facts, which I will now explain slowly. The Times surveyed 1,170 self-identified Democratic primary voters between Oct. 12 and Oct. 19, according to Mediaite. Asked whom they'd vote for, they gave Kamala Harris 12%, Gavin Newsom 9%, Pete Buttigieg 7%, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez 6%, Jon Ossoff 4%, and Mark Kelly 3%. Fifteen percent named "another candidate."

And 45% said "don't know."

Mediaite notes "don't know" beat the top four named Democrats combined. The Times' own graphic was headlined, and I swear on my beak, "Harris, Newsom, or … no Clue."

Republicans want to call this a disaster. Pundits want to call it "a wide-open field." Democrats want to call it "early." You are all embarrassing yourselves. "Don't Know" is the strongest candidate the Democratic Party has fielded in a generation.

Consider the résumé. "Don't Know" has never lost a general election. "Don't Know" has never said "unburdened by what has been." "Don't Know" has never been caught at the French Laundry while telling everyone else to stay home. "Don't Know" has no podcast. Do you understand how rare that is in this party? Every other Democrat has a podcast.

"Don't Know" leads Harris by 33 points. Harris, who ran for president. Twice. Who was vice president for four years. Who is, per this very poll, the front-runner. Being the front-runner at 12% is like being the tallest guy in a crawl space.

The Times also reported that respondents named more than 20 Democrats, including Barack Obama and New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani, who are both ineligible. So a slice of the party wants a man who's term-limited and a mayor who wasn't born in this country. That's not a primary. That's a fantasy draft where half the picks are retired.

Then there's Ossoff, at 4%, who said during a debate that he'd serve his full six-year term and has "zero interest in running for president." The Times added, with a perfectly straight face, that Obama said something similar in 2006. That's the most devastating parenthetical I've read all year, and I read Senate footnotes for fun.

Now, the smart-set response is "it's early, voters don't know the names yet." Wrong again. They know the names. That's the problem. They've seen Newsom for eight years. They've seen Harris for six. They looked at the full menu, closed it, and told the waiter, "Surprise me."

Meanwhile, on the Republican side, JD Vance pulled 33% and Marco Rubio 23%, according to the same poll, with 26% unsure. So one party has a front-runner. The other party has a vibe.

Here is my prediction, and you won't like it, which is how you'll know it's right. "Don't Know" will dominate the debates, because it won't show up. It'll win the donor class, because it promises nothing. And it'll sweep the base, because the base is already voting for it.

The only thing that can stop "Don't Know" is a real candidate. And based on this poll, Democrats don't have one of those either.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this