DETROIT — Rep. Haley Stevens went on CNN on Sunday to answer one simple question about the man who beat her in Michigan's Democratic Senate primary: does she support him? She answered it the way a cat answers a bath.
Stevens lost the August primary to Abdul El-Sayed by one point, 48.5 percent to 47.5 percent, according to the Associated Press count reported by MLive. El-Sayed now faces Republican Mike Rogers for the open seat Democrats need to have any shot at the Senate majority. With nine days to go, the party's top moderate in Michigan was asked, on national television, whether she's all in. According to CNN, Stevens said she is "on the Democratic ticket," noted she hasn't campaigned alongside El-Sayed, and said she doesn't agree with everything that has gone on in the race.
"On the Democratic ticket" is a fascinating phrase. It is technically true of everyone whose name appears near a donkey. It is the political version of telling your brother-in-law, "I am, legally, at your wedding."
Meet Linda, 58, a made-up Oakland County Democrat who knocked doors for Stevens all summer. Linda has an El-Sayed yard sign. She also has a second yard sign, facing her own house, that says "I'm on the ticket." Linda's husband asked what that means. Linda said she doesn't agree with everything that's gone on in the marriage.
This is where Democrats are in Michigan. Barack Obama flew into Detroit on Saturday to rally for El-Sayed. Bernie Sanders was booked for Grand Rapids on Sunday. The party has sent in its two most famous closers, and its own runner-up is standing in the parking lot holding her car keys, saying she's technically in the carpool.
It gets better. Stevens has also told Politico, as quoted by the Conservative Institute, that Rogers "is working the Black community harder and more successfully than we have ever seen a Republican do." That is a Democrat, nine days out, publicly grading the Republican's outreach as historic. In most campaigns, that's called a scouting report. In Michigan Democratic politics, it's called being on the ticket.
To be fair to Stevens, nobody likes losing by one point. And nobody likes being asked to cheer for the guy who took your seat at the table. But the entire Democratic message this year is unity, joy, and the end of feeling powerless. The party's 47.5 percent candidate apparently didn't get the memo, or got it, read it, and filed it under "doesn't agree with everything."
The Rogers campaign, meanwhile, doesn't have to say a word. Its best ad just aired on CNN for free, and it ran two minutes and 26 seconds.
Michigan votes Nov. 3. Early voting is already open. Somewhere in Troy, a volunteer is asking a phone-bank script how to pronounce "enthusiastic," and the script says it hasn't campaigned alongside that word.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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