CLEVELAND — Barack Obama flew into Ohio on Saturday to save the Democratic Party, and he brought the most powerful weapon in its arsenal: a strong opinion about curtains.

The former president rallied for Amy Acton, running for governor, and Sherrod Brown, trying to get back into the Senate two years after Ohio voters showed him the door. Ten days out. Groceries up. Gas up. Rent up. And the 44th president of the United States stood at a podium in Cleveland and delivered his closing argument on gold trim.

"He seems very focused on home renovations. He should be on HGTV," Obama said of President Trump, according to Yahoo News. "What's with the gold? … He's got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened a Cheesecake Factory."

That's the line. That's the one his team was proudest of. You could hear the speechwriter high-fiving himself in a Prius.

And look, as a joke, it's fine. It's a solid B. Cheesecake Factory is funny. Saddam is funny if you're old enough to have watched the war on a TV with a dial. But this is the guy Democrats send in when the house is on fire, and he walked in, looked around, and said, "Who picked these throw pillows?"

Yahoo News reports Obama also mocked the administration's trade war with Canada, calling it "that well-known evil empire," and defended our northern neighbor as "the people who gave us maple syrup and Martin Short." So to recap the Democratic case for Ohio: the White House is too shiny, and Canada is very nice. Somewhere in Youngstown, a man staring at his gas receipt just felt very heard.

He also went after the Defense Secretary's mirror time and a "no-bid contract" on the Reflecting Pool. The man has become your aunt at the open house. He walks in, runs a finger on the windowsill, and says nothing but the face says everything.

Here's the part that matters. Yahoo News points out Obama was the last Democrat running for president to win Ohio. A Bowling Green State University poll last week found he was the only public official with a positive favorability rating among Ohio voters. The only one. That means the most popular Democrat in Ohio is a guy whose last Ohio win was the same year as "Gangnam Style."

So they wheel him out like the good china. Once a cycle. Careful. Don't let the kids touch him.

And what does the good china talk about? Gold. Because Democrats have figured out that they can't win on the border, can't win on prices, can't win on crime, so they're going to win on interior design. "Vote Acton. She'd never put that much gilding on a doorknob."

Meanwhile in the crowd, retired machinist Don Kowalczyk, 67, a man we invented to represent every Ohioan, held a sign that read "LOWER MY HEATING BILL." He clapped politely at the Saddam line. Then he checked his phone to see if his furnace guy had texted back. He had not.

Obama joked Trump should be on HGTV. Buddy, your party IS on HGTV. It's the episode where the couple spends the whole budget on a backsplash and then finds out the foundation is cracked.

Ohio has not elected a Democratic governor since 2006, per Yahoo News. Saturday, Democrats looked at that streak and decided the problem was the font.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this