Kamala Harris went to Atlanta on Thursday to introduce Sen. Jon Ossoff, a man who has been a United States senator since 2021, and got exactly one word into the introduction before accidentally canceling him.
"Let's hear it for Jon Ossoff," Harris said at a small rally for Ossoff campaign volunteers, as reported by the New York Post and the Daily Mail. "The next..." Pause. Long pause. The kind of pause you hear on a reality show right before the host says, "and the person going home tonight is." Then, "...and continuing senator from the state of Georgia."
Continuing. Like a Netflix show nobody canceled yet. Like a gym membership. Ossoff showed up to his own rally an incumbent and was briefly demoted to challenger by his own surrogate, which is the first time in Georgia history a Democrat lost a Senate seat and won it back inside of one second.
To be fair, Harris has been on a tour. The Post reports she's been stumping in recent days in Nevada, Mississippi, New Hampshire and Wisconsin. At that pace, every senator starts to blur together into one long "next." She's not confused. She's jet-lagged, emotionally and also in the regular way.
Then came the advice segment, and this is where it turned from "Survivor" into a commencement speech nobody asked her to give. She welcomed them as "fellow members of the Role Model Club."
"The Role Model Club, we're all in it," she said, "and in the Role Model Club sometimes it can be weighty."
Weighty. The Role Model Club is weighty. Membership requirements appear to be attending an Ossoff volunteer event on a Thursday. The dues, as far as anyone can tell, are clapping.
And then, as reported, she announced, "OK, I got some more advice." Which is the most honest sentence of the entire midterm cycle. Not a plan. Not a policy. Just more advice.
The bonus advice: "I require you to be you." Required. Not encouraged. Required. Bold move for someone who, two minutes earlier, required Jon Ossoff to be somebody else.
She also told the crowd that "God willing, you will live for at least another eight decades," with Election Day coming Tuesday. Eight decades of life, and the first assignment is a Tuesday. It's the most Harris time management ever recorded: a lifetime of potential, broken down into one deadline, introduced by one pause.
Look, everybody flubs a line. But the Democratic pitch this cycle is that the other side is chaos and they're the steady hands. Then the party's last presidential nominee walks up to the microphone in Georgia and briefly puts the steady hand's own senator back on the ballot as a newcomer.
Ossoff will probably survive the introduction. But somewhere in Atlanta there's a volunteer with a fresh Role Model Club membership, a clipboard and one burning question: if he's just the "next" senator, who's been sitting in his chair since 2021?
The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is a comedy roast built on real reported events; jokes, exaggerations and fictional characters are not real news.
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