The final week of the midterms has finally delivered the crossover episode nobody asked for: two presidents doing a home makeover show, except neither of them is paying for the renovation.
Here's the recap. On Saturday in Cleveland, former President Barack Obama, rallying for Sherrod Brown and gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton, ran through President Trump's ballroom project, the paved-over Rose Garden and the South Lawn helipad. Then he delivered the line he'd clearly been saving since the first gold fixture went up: "He's got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened a Cheesecake Factory." He also said Trump "should be on HGTV," per the New York Post.
On Monday night in Corinth, Mississippi, at a rally for Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith, Trump fired back with roughly five extra minutes on drywall, according to the Washington Examiner. "He said, 'This isn't a Cheesecake Factory.' Can you believe it? Which is a very successful company," Trump said.
So, to review, the leader of the free world defended his honor by defending the stock price of a chain known for a menu the length of a novel and a slice of cake the size of a carry-on.
Trump insisted the renovation barely takes his time. "I literally do it when I walk home from the Oval," he said, per the Post. He told the crowd the White House had been "dirty, filthy, dirty, and broken," that he builds "beautiful and inexpensive," and that "it actually relaxes me." Every contractor in America just read that sentence and felt a chill.
Then a protester interrupted. Trump told the crowd, "I was just at the punch line," and later added, "For $250, he broke up my punch line." Honestly, that's the most relatable thing either man said all weekend. Every reality star knows the worst thing that can happen isn't a scandal. It's getting talked over during your confessional.
Let's be clear about what we watched. A former president who spent eight years in that house gave it a one-star Yelp review. The current president responded with a five-star review of the Cheesecake Factory. This isn't a debate. It's the reunion special of "Real Housewives of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue," and somebody's about to throw a wine glass at a portico column.
Meanwhile, out here in the audience, regular Americans are living their own renovation story. It's called "the dishwasher broke and we're just going to hand-wash until spring." The average family isn't choosing between gold leaf and marble. They're choosing between fixing the furnace and paying the $4-a-gallon gas Obama himself brought up in the same speech. A kitchen remodel isn't a hobby that relaxes them. It's a line item that keeps them up at night.
And yet the two most famous men in American politics, eight days before an election that will decide who controls Congress, spent their weekend arguing about whether the people's house looks like a mall restaurant.
Trump's voice was reportedly giving out by Monday, per the Post, which means the country may finally get one quiet night. Just enough time for both of them to realize the only one who won the weekend was the Cheesecake Factory, which got called "a very successful company" by a sitting president and never had to pay for the ad.
The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is a comedy roast built on real reported events; jokes, exaggerations and fictional characters are not real news.
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