New York City is spending $1.6 million on an ad campaign about five ballot questions, and the folks running it want you to know they are not telling you how to vote. They just named the campaign "Vote on Faster Government." That's like a waitress handing you the menu with one item circled and swearing it's your choice.

The campaign belongs to the Commission on Government Efficiency, a 15-member charter panel appointed by Mayor Zohran Mamdani. It launched September 15 with a Looney Tunes-style video in which the mayor races around City Hall to cartoon sound effects and announces, "New Yorkers will be able to vote on how fast our government runs." Nobody at the counter could remember the last time city government ran anywhere, unless it was toward a budget.

Here's the hitch. City law says officials can't use public money to advocate for or against ballot proposals. So the commission's executive director, Ann Cheng, told amNewYork, "We are not recommending how they vote." The ads, meanwhile, recommend the word "faster" about as often as my brother-in-law recommends his own chili.

Critics are not buying the decaf. Queens Councilwoman Joann Ariola, a Republican, told the New York Post that taxpayer dollars are supposed to serve the public, "not bankroll the mayor's political agenda." Queens Councilman Phil Wong, a Democrat, said past mayors have walked "right up to the line," but "this isn't even close. It's way over." When the mayor's own party says you missed the line, you didn't step over it. You moved into the next county.

Now, what's actually on the ballot. Question 1 cuts the outdoor dining application from eight months to two. Sounds nice. According to the Post, it would also cut City Council review, trim input from community boards and borough presidents, and let some applications go forward without public hearings. So the sheds get faster and the neighbors get quieter, mostly because nobody asked them.

Question 3 speeds up bike lanes and street projects by at least 33 percent, per the city's own pitch. Question 4 bundles 40 approvals from 18 offices into one place. Question 5 sets a rainy-day savings target of 12 percent of tax revenue, which is a fine idea from a city that just found $1.6 million for a cartoon.

The firm that won the contract is Middle Seat, a political media shop. amNewYork reports it previously made $1.7 million in ads for an independent group backing Mamdani's 2025 mayoral run. The city says this job is different: education, not persuasion. Sure. And the fella who sold you the truck is just here to educate you about the extended warranty.

The education will come in 13 languages, on LinkNYC kiosks and Taxi TV, plus canvassers at subway stations. So the average New Yorker sitting in the back of a cab, paying $2.50 just to close the door, now gets a free lesson on how much faster things will be. The meter, by the way, is already faster.

Voters decide November 3. If all five pass, City Hall gets speed, fewer hearings and fewer people in the room. If they fail, the city still spent $1.6 million on a cartoon that promised it wasn't telling you anything, which is the most honest ad in the whole campaign.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; jokes and commentary are layered on top of real reported events. Quotes from real people are drawn from published reporting.

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