RIVERTON — Members of the Riverton City Council held a celebratory press conference Monday after announcing that crime in the city had been eliminated entirely, following a unanimous vote to reclassify shoplifting as "unscheduled shopping."
"For years, critics said we couldn't bring crime down. Well, we just did, and we did it with nothing but a thesaurus and the courage of our convictions," said one council progressive, standing in front of a boarded-up pharmacy.
Under the new framework, burglary will be referred to as "uninvited visiting," and car theft will be considered "spontaneous ride-sharing." Officials confirmed that the city's crime statistics website had been updated to reflect a 100 percent decline.
Local business owners expressed mixed reactions. "I suppose it's nice to know I'm not being robbed," said one store manager, watching three men leave with a television. "I'm just being shopped at. Aggressively."
The council is expected to take up a measure next month renaming potholes "road texture."
