Case file 10-23, Providence Park, Portland, Oregon. Filed by a rat who has spent nine years in the drainage tunnels under that stadium and thought he'd heard every kind of crowd noise up there. Goals. Chants. One very long rain delay. He had never heard a women's soccer game throw out women for supporting women's soccer.
Here's what the evidence shows.
On Friday, Oct. 23, the Portland Thorns hosted the North Carolina Courage. About 20 spectators kept their XX-XY Athletics shirts covered through the first half, then revealed them at the start of the second half and unfurled a large "Save Women's Sports" banner, according to OutKick and Fox News.
Footage shows members of the group being struck by other spectators, including with flagpoles carrying transgender flags. Then security arrived and handled the situation by escorting out the people who had been hit.
I've worked a lot of cases. Usually the guy swinging the flagpole is the one who leaves. Portland has moved past that.
Commentator Brandi Kruse, one of the organizers, told Laura Ingraham she still hasn't gotten an explanation. "None. It's been three days," she said. Kruse described security telling her "you know what you did," and her answering that she had no idea. She also said people around the group dumped beer on them. An OutKick reporter covering the match had his press pass ripped off by a security guard, she said.
So the crime was the shirt. The shirt had two letters on it, twice.
Then came the investigation, which is where Portland really shines.
The Thorns said security decisions "are managed locally," that they're reviewing whether their policies were "applied appropriately and consistently," and that they're "committed to providing a safe and inclusive environment for everyone." The same night, the team's official X account posted praise for its amazing fans.
The City of Portland, which owns the stadium, told OutKick it "was not involved in any decisions concerning the spectators or reporter." Those decisions, the city said, belong to the stadium operator, Peregrine, "and their subcontractors." Asked whether it approved any policy covering XX-XY shirts or banners about transgender athletes, the city answered, "No."
So let's line up the suspects. The city owns the building and didn't decide. The team plays in the building and manages nothing locally except, apparently, the word "locally." The operator runs the building and has "subcontractors," which in Portland is the legal term for nobody.
Three organizations, one ejection, zero fingerprints. I've seen cleaner getaways from a cheese heist, and the cheese heist had a getaway raccoon.
The Justice Department says it is reviewing the incident, and an official said it appears to raise viewpoint discrimination and First Amendment questions. That review will now join the city's review and the team's review, giving Providence Park more open reviews than a Yelp page for a gas station sushi bar.
Here's the part that stings for anyone who has ever bought a ticket. You pay for parking, you pay stadium prices for a beer, you sit in the Portland rain and cheer for female athletes. Then you find out the one thing you can't bring through the gate is an opinion that the female athletes should stay female.
The Thorns promised a safe and inclusive environment for everyone. Based on the footage, they kept half of that promise. Everyone was included, especially the flagpoles.
Case remains open. The rat in the drain is keeping his shirt tucked in.
The Demorat is satire. This article is a parody based on real news reports and is not meant to be taken as literal fact.
The real story that inspired this
