Sen. Ed Markey, D-Mass., one of the two original authors of the Green New Deal, woke up Wednesday in a new Democratic majority and announced a bold environmental initiative. He wants more trees. So he can cut them down.

"They are going to need to plant new forests for all of the subpoenas we'll be printing," Markey posted on X, according to Semafor, which reported he was talking about Big Tech executives.

Now, the lazy take here is hypocrisy. The climate guy is bragging about deforestation. Ha ha, paper, trees, irony. Everybody gets a sticker.

I reject the lazy take. The lazy take is far too kind.

This isn't hypocrisy. Hypocrisy implies the man forgot his principles. Markey remembered his principles perfectly. He just ranked them. Saving the planet is very important, and it comes in second to making a guy in a hoodie sit in a chair for six hours.

Think about the logistics, because he clearly did. You don't say "plant new forests" unless you've already done the math on the old ones. Somewhere in a Senate office there is a staffer with a spreadsheet titled "Trees Per Tech CEO." The column is color-coded. The color is green, naturally.

And he's not alone. Rep. Greg Casar of Texas, who chairs the Congressional Progressive Caucus, has called for AI executives to testify under oath. So the plan is: summon the people who invented the paperless future, and serve them on paper.

You might say, Crow, surely they'll do it digitally. It's 2026. Everyone has email.

You poor, innocent thing. A digital subpoena doesn't make a sound when it lands on a desk. Washington does not want efficiency. Washington wants a thud. Washington wants a cardboard box wheeled down a marble hallway on a dolly, preferably on camera, preferably with an intern sweating.

Here is the part that actually stings. For years, ordinary people have been told to give up their plastic straws, their gas stoves and their incandescent bulbs to save the planet. A mom in Worcester is out there rinsing yogurt cups for the recycling bin like it's a sacred ritual. Her senator just posted that he'd like to flatten a national forest to send letters to Silicon Valley.

She is drinking through a paper straw that dissolves in four sips. He is planning an orchard of legal pads.

To be clear, I'm not against subpoenas. I'm against pretending this is anything but a hobby. Congress has issued plenty of them before. Ask yourself the last time one lowered your rent. I'll wait. I'll wait in a forest, if there are any left.

So credit where it's due. Markey has finally found a renewable resource Democrats can get excited about. It isn't solar. It isn't wind.

It's paperwork. And unlike the trees, it grows back every two years.

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The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations and fictional elements are not factual claims. Quotes attributed to real people are drawn from published reporting.

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