ATTENTION, AMERICA. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS A FORM.

Incoming House Judiciary Chair Jamie Raskin told The Banner his priorities include legislation requiring background checks on private gun sales, not just purchases from licensed dealers. Private sales. As in the hunting rifle your uncle might sell your cousin in a driveway. As in paperwork becoming the third person at Thanksgiving.

It has been barely 36 hours since Democrats took the House. Thirty-six hours. Most people use that window to sleep, hydrate, and locate their car keys. Raskin used it to preview a list: private-sale background checks, scrutiny of antitrust deals, and — perhaps — another Trump impeachment. The Banner notes he would be the first Marylander to chair Judiciary since Francis Thomas in 1839. Nearly two centuries of waiting, and the first order of business is your cousin's bill of sale.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR RIFLE SAFE. ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

Raskin's stated plan, per The Banner, is background checks on private transfers. Gun-rights groups did not hear "checks." The National Association for Gun Rights framed it as universal gun registration and warned that registries are how lists get built. Townhall amplified the same alarm within a day. Raskin did not say "confiscation" in the Banner interview. Critics say registration is the on-ramp. Satire says the on-ramp has better lighting than the grocery aisle you were promised.

We are now receiving word — and by word we mean a clipboard — that selling a used shotgun to a neighbor would require the kind of federal attention normally reserved for buying a house. The mundane detail is the emergency. Not a SWAT team. A form. A form that wants a name, a serial number, and the quiet understanding that Washington now knows who owns what in the garage.

STAY CALM. Actually, no. Panic about the paperwork.

Raskin also said he would scrutinize antitrust settlements he accuses the Trump administration of using in a "pay-to-play" system. And on impeachment: "We're not afraid to impeach Donald Trump. We've done it twice." He added it "cannot be a fetish, but it also can't be a taboo either." That is constitutional-law professor for "we brought the binders and we brought the snacks."

Voters spent the midterms screaming about prices. The new Judiciary chair spent Election Day listing guns, antitrust, and a possible third impeachment. Affordability got the lawn sign. The private-sale form got the gavel.

Here is what makes the sirens go louder. Hobbyists. Friends. Personal collections. Republicans told The Banner those bills hit exactly those people. The National Association for Gun Rights called the direction registration. Raskin's staff will call it closing a loophole. Your cousin will call it a Tuesday that suddenly needs a federal permission slip.

We are told this is all perfectly normal. And it is. That's the emergency. Nobody in the new majority thinks 36 hours is too soon to put a clipboard between a citizen and a legal private transfer. It's tradition, like hearings and repeating the word "loophole" until it means "right."

So brace yourselves. Hug your hunting buddies. Stock up on ink. The Judiciary agenda is coming, eventually, one private-sale form at a time, conditions permitting, registry fears included.

THIS HAS BEEN AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST. We will return after you finish page two of the driveway bill of sale.

The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations and fictional elements are not factual claims. Quotes attributed to real people are drawn from published reporting.

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