THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Texas Democrats have won the governor's mansion and a U.S. Senate seat for the first time in decades, and at approximately 1 a.m. Wednesday they took their first official action. They went to Whataburger.

Repeat. The first stop of the new Texas was a drive-thru.

Here are the facts, and Siren Sam is going to read them very fast. Democrat Gina Hinojosa defeated Gov. Greg Abbott, who conceded around 10 p.m. Tuesday. She is the first Democrat to win the Texas governorship in more than three decades. James Talarico beat Republican Ken Paxton for the Senate seat with about 55% of the vote, making him the first Texas Democrat to win a Senate race since 1988.

Then, according to WFAA and HuffPost, the two of them walked into an Austin Whataburger and raised Texas-sized soda cups in a toast.

A TOAST. WITH SODA. AT ONE IN THE MORNING. Somebody check on the ice machine. Is the ice machine safe? We are receiving no word on the ice machine.

"First stop post-win: Whataburger," Talarico posted. WFAA reports the Facebook post collected more than 76,000 likes in its first hour, which, at that hour in Texas, means a significant share of the state was awake and refreshing a photo of a cup.

Hinojosa posted, "We did it."

Officials are urging calm. Officials are not calm.

Let's be precise about what we are witnessing, because precision is all we have left. Democrats spent this entire campaign talking about the cost of living. They promised working families relief. And the first act of victory was to order a beverage in the largest size physically available. Folks, this is a party that looked at inflation and asked for a refill.

Talarico also said, "We just took back Texas." Took it back where? To the counter? Did they get a number on a little tent? Is Texas currently sitting on a table waiting for a patty melt?

The scale here is staggering. Elon Musk spent roughly $250 million backing Republican campaigns this cycle, according to published reports. The winning side's victory budget appears to have been the price of two large drinks.

Meanwhile, an ordinary Austin construction worker is going to pull in for his 5 a.m. breakfast taquito and find confetti under the booths. He just wants hash browns. He did not consent to history.

Siren Sam has been asked to remain objective. Siren Sam is objective. Objectively, two statewide winners ended a decades-long Democratic drought and chose to mark the occasion in a place where the most important decision is whether you want jalapeños.

Experts warn the situation could escalate. Inauguration is coming. The governor's mansion has a kitchen.

Nobody knows yet if it has a drive-thru window. No crews have been spotted installing one. That's the scariest part. They might not need to.

STAY TUNED. STAY HYDRATED. NOT WITH SODA.

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The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations and fictional elements are not factual claims. Quotes attributed to real people are drawn from published reporting.

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