Iran's top military officer announced Saturday that American warships will never again enter the Persian Gulf. It's a bold policy from a government that also makes oil tankers ask permission, which turns the Persian Gulf into the world's most exclusive club with no members.
Maj. Gen. Ali Abdollahi, chief of staff of Iran's armed forces, said in a statement carried by state media that "the US president can only dream of their soldiers and military again entering the Persian Gulf. They will take this wish to the grave for good." Iranian state TV also quoted him saying Iran would not allow U.S. military ships in the Gulf "under any circumstances and at any time," according to AFP and Al Jazeera.
I've heard a lot of generals give a lot of speeches. This is the first one that sounded like a nightclub bouncer with a missile budget.
Then came the logic. Abdollahi argued that if Iran's military had really been mostly destroyed, as Washington says, the U.S. would bring its aircraft carriers closer. That's not military doctrine. That's the kid on the playground yelling "come over here if you're so tough" from behind the slide.
The backdrop is less funny. The war started Feb. 28 and is now eight months old. Tehran has been requiring ships to get permission to cross the Strait of Hormuz, and on Friday the Revolutionary Guards said two supertankers carrying more than 4.5 million barrels of crude had been abandoned at sea after hitting mines, AFP reported.
Four and a half million barrels, floating around unattended, like luggage nobody wants to claim at the world's worst airport.
Meanwhile, President Trump told a Florida rally Friday that the U.S. "may do another Epic Fury," Al Jazeera reported. So one side is promising sequels and the other is promising graves. Somewhere an oil trader is just trying to finish lunch. Brent crude hit about $117 a barrel, its highest since April.
Here's the part the regime won't put on a billboard. Tehran keeps telling the world it's winning. Winning, in Tehran, now means you've made the sea you live on so dangerous that tankers are being abandoned in it, and then you announced a guest list.
Picture a fictional tanker captain named Rolf, anchored off Oman with a cold cup of coffee, radioing in for permission to pass and getting a recorded message about graves. He's been on hold since August. The hold music is a naval blockade.
On the sewer scale, the regime earns four rats out of five. One rat deducted only because the general didn't hold his press conference on a boat, which would at least prove somebody can still use the Gulf.
Abdollahi says American warships can only dream of the Persian Gulf. So can the tankers, the traders and the guy at the pump. The most exclusive club on Earth still has no members, the bouncer is armed, and the cover charge is your gas money.
And here's your bill: regular gas averages $4.30 a gallon nationwide today, according to AAA, and every barrel stuck behind that velvet rope is part of the reason.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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