ALBANY, N.Y. — Millions of New Yorkers are opening energy rebate checks of $100 to $200 this month, just in time to remember who sent them, and just in time for Election Day.
The checks were approved by Gov. Kathy Hochul and state lawmakers. Hochul has been touring Buffalo, Rochester and Syracuse on the first weekend of early voting. The timing is a coincidence in the same way a guy bringing flowers right after forgetting your birthday is a coincidence.
Let's run the numbers, because the numbers are the joke.
According to Gothamist, a typical NYSEG electric customer upstate paid about $70 a month in 2019. Last year it was $147. That's an extra $77 a month, or $924 a year.
The biggest rebate is $200. That covers about two and a half months of the increase. Not the bill. The increase.
It's like a landlord who doubles your rent and then leaves a $20 Starbucks card under the door. "Treat yourself."
Add NYSEG gas, which went from $83 to $101, and the typical upstate household is paying about $95 a month more than it did in 2019. A $200 check covers roughly 18 percent of one year of that. The other 82 percent is yours to keep, in the sense that you keep paying it.
Down in the city, a Con Edison customer's average monthly electric bill went from $76 in 2019 to $113 last year. Average monthly heating went from $137 to $238. A $200 rebate check won't cover one month of that heat. It covers about 25 days, and then you're back to wearing a coat inside like a cartoon accountant.
Hochul, to her credit, isn't pretending. At the Oct. 13 debate she said, "I did do energy rebates just as a short-term solution."
Short-term solution. That's the most honest phrase in Albany this year. The check is short. The bills are the long term.
Her bigger pitch is something called the "Ratepayer Protection Plan," which also scaled back the state's climate goals. So the same government that spent years making energy more expensive is now walking it back a few weeks before you vote. That's not a policy. That's a restaurant comping your dessert after tripling the price of the entree.
Ken Girardin of the Manhattan Institute called her efforts "cosmetic." That's generous. Cosmetics at least last until dinner.
Republican nominee Bruce Blakeman says there have been 48 utility rate hikes on Hochul's watch and that New York bills are "70% higher than the national average." Those are his figures, and he's repeating them at every stop, which tells you how well they test.
Meanwhile, more than a million residents have left the state since 2020. Some of them probably took their rebate address with them. Somewhere in Florida, a $150 check is chasing a guy who now pays half for air conditioning and doesn't own a winter coat.
So yes, cash the check. It's your money. It was your money before they took it, and it'll be your money again next month when the bill shows up.
Two hundred dollars. Twenty-five days of heat. Eight days until the election.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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