WASHINGTON — Good news for every voter planning to elect Democrats to lower prices: the Democrats will be there. The lower prices will not.

That's not us talking. That's The Washington Post, the house newsletter of the people running for Congress. On Friday, economics writer David J. Lynch opened with a sentence that should come stapled to every campaign mailer: "If voters expect a new Democratic Congress to bring down prices, they will probably be disappointed."

Probably disappointed. That's not a news story. That's a fortune cookie from a restaurant that got a C rating.

Here's the pitch from House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries, per the Post: the party's "affordability agenda" will "drive down the high cost of living in every possible area." Every possible area. Groceries. Rent. Gas. The lump in your throat when the cashier says "Do you want your receipt?" and you don't, because you've seen enough.

Then the Post explains the catch. The big forces pushing prices up, it says, are the Iran war's effect on energy, fallout from the AI boom and President Trump's trade policies. A new Congress can't easily end a war or scrap tariffs over a presidential veto, and Democrats don't want to kill the AI boom. Prices will stay high, the Post says, even as inflation slows. Translation: the price of eggs will stop sprinting. It'll just keep walking up the stairs.

So what's actually in the plan? According to the Associated Press, House Democrats have a 100-day agenda: restore expired Affordable Care Act tax credits, reverse Medicaid cuts, force votes on the Iran war and try to undo tariffs. Every one of those runs into the same brick wall, the President of the United States holding a pen. Overriding a veto takes two-thirds of both chambers. You know what has two-thirds support in America? Hating self-checkout.

This is the Democrats' oldest act. Step one: promise to fix the thing. Step two: win. Step three: hold a press conference explaining the thing is "structural." Step four: blame the guy in the other building. Step five: run again on fixing the thing. It's not a governing philosophy. It's a subscription.

Meet Kevin, 41, a made-up HVAC tech in Toledo who represents the swing voter both parties pretend to understand. Kevin heard "drive down the cost of living" on the radio and smiled. Then he filled his truck at $4.29 a gallon, which is where AAA put the national average on Saturday. Kevin now sits in his driveway doing math on a napkin, and the napkin is losing.

Even CNN, earlier this month, warned that Democrats would face "a harsh reality" if they win. When CNN and the Post both tell you the plan won't work, that's not a Republican attack ad. That's a family intervention.

The honest Democratic slogan would be "Vote for us, and prices will be high in a more caring tone." The bumper sticker writes itself, and it costs $6.99.

Wallet Walsh's bottom line: gas is $4.29, the plan is a press release, and the receipt is still yours. Keep it. You'll want proof.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

The real story that inspired this