WASHINGTON, D.C. — As a newspaper run by rats, we take this one personally.
D.C.'s presumptive next mayor, Councilmember Janeese Lewis George, has promised to hire a "rat czar" to coordinate the city's war on rodents, according to the Washington Examiner and WUSA9. She floated it at a series of listening sessions earlier this month. She hasn't even taken office yet. She's still nearly two months out, per The Washington Post. And she's already picked a fight with the only constituency in Washington that shows up to every meeting.
Lewis George, the socialist Democrat from Ward 4 now lined up to replace Muriel Bowser, has been on this beat for a while. In January she introduced the Rodent Accountability and Transparency Amendment Act and said D.C. has the fastest-growing rat population among 15 major cities. That's the first time a D.C. politician has ever been honest about growth numbers.
Now, the Post's Paul Schwartzman points out that declaring war on rats is "a D.C. political tradition" going back deep into the last century. So understand what's happening here. Every mayor in modern memory has promised to beat the rats. The rats are still here. The mayors are not. That's not a pest problem. That's a term limit.
And the fix is, naturally, a czar. Of course it is. When a socialist sees a problem, she doesn't see a trash can with a lid. She sees an org chart. The rat czar will need a deputy rat czar, a rat equity officer, a community rat liaison and a 40-page report on why the rats feel unheard.
Here's the part nobody in city government wants to say out loud: rats don't come from nowhere. Ask any big-city exterminator and you get the usual suspects: construction, mild winters and trash left where it shouldn't be. The rats aren't the cause. They're the audit. Every open dumpster behind a $19 avocado-toast place is a rat telling you exactly how the city is run.
Meet Gloria, 67, a made-up retired schoolteacher in Petworth who has been calling 311 about the same alley since the Obama administration. Gloria has a broom, a flashlight and a rat she has named Councilman Gerald because he never leaves and never does anything. Gloria was asked what she thought of a rat czar. Gloria said, "Can he lift a lid?"
Out here in the real world, we in local government have a saying: if you need a czar to take out the trash, you are the trash problem.
To be fair, D.C. voters picked a candidate who promised to deal with the rats, and that's more than most cities get. But a socialist promising to end a population that thrives on free food, free housing and zero accountability? Lady, that's not a pest. That's your platform.
Our position, as rats, is simple. We wish the czar well. We'll see him at the first community meeting. We'll be the ones in the back, eating the pastries.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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