The Democrats had a problem in Alaska. His name was Dan Sullivan, he was a Republican senator, and voters kept recognizing it on the ballot. So, according to a New York Times investigation published Wednesday, people working with Mary Peltola's campaign came up with a solution so lazy it loops back around to genius: find another guy named Dan Sullivan.
Not a better candidate. Not a better message. A better name tag.
The Times, citing texts, documents and interviews, reported that Peltola campaign aides, campaign lawyers and staff from the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee helped recruit Dan J. Sullivan of Petersburg, a retired schoolteacher, along with other challengers, with the goal of draining votes from the incumbent, Dan S. Sullivan. Political operatives have a term for this. They call it a "ballot composition" project. Normal people call it the thing your little brother did when he signed your name on the permission slip.
Think about the effort. Somewhere, a grown adult with a college degree spent weeks scrolling Alaska voter records looking for Dan Sullivans the way you look for a matching sock. They found one in Petersburg, a town you get to by plane or boat. That is the most work a Democratic operation has put into anything since the Obamacare website. Imagine using that energy on, say, a gas price plan.
The ballot now lists "Sullivan, Dan S." as the Registered Republican incumbent and "Sullivan, Daniel J. Jr." right below him, like a Costco knockoff shelved next to the brand name. It's ranked-choice, too, so Alaskans don't just have to find the right Dan. They have to rank the Dans. Somewhere a fisherman in Ketchikan is staring at his ballot like it's a Sudoku with feelings.
The Peltola campaign says it had nothing to do with any of it. In a statement it said, "The Alaskans for Mary campaign has no involvement with either Sullivan campaign," and that it's "focused on lowering costs." Lowering costs, sure. Why pay for a real opponent when you can get a store-brand one?
The problem is the campaign's own former manager. Elisa Rios, who was fired from the Peltola campaign, told the Times, "Alaskan voters need to know." She also said Peltola was aware of the effort, though not directly involved, which is the political version of "I didn't eat the cake, I just watched you eat it and said nothing." Nothing in politics travels faster than a fired staffer with a phone full of receipts.
To be fair, an attorney who once represented the state's Division of Elections told Alaska Public Media that "not a single illegal thing happened here." Which is true and also the single most damning compliment a campaign can receive. "Is it legal?" is the question you ask about a tax shelter, not a Senate seat.
Meanwhile the Justice Department has already sued to block certification if the real Sullivan loses by fewer votes than the bonus Sullivan gets, and state officials say no law allows that. So the race is a week out, the lawyers are billing by the Dan, and the Petersburg Sullivan hasn't answered his local public radio station's calls. Honestly, the smartest man in this story.
Election Day is Tuesday. Bring a pencil and a family tree.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
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