Washington state's election system runs on the honor system. On Monday, the federal government handed it a list of 405 dishonorable mentions.
Federal prosecutors said investigators identified 405 noncitizens who registered and voted in Washington, casting more than 1,500 ballots across multiple elections. Some, according to the Justice Department's letter, had been voting for more than a decade. Some had voted more than two dozen times. That's not voter fraud. That's a loyalty program.
Acting U.S. Attorney Neil Floyd and First Assistant U.S. Attorney Pete Serrano sent a letter to Secretary of State Steve Hobbs asking him to review the list within 24 hours and set aside any November ballots from those names until citizenship is verified. Floyd told reporters, per KOMO News, that he has "the highest level of confidence" these people are registered, have voted, and are not citizens. He added that some told agents they got a ballot in the mail and assumed they were eligible.
Of course they did. Washington mails a ballot to every active registered voter, automatically. You don't go to democracy in Washington. Democracy comes to you, like a DoorDash order nobody remembers placing.
Hobbs was not impressed. He told KOMO that some of the people on the list "actually have citizenship," and his office said the federal flagging system is "flawed." His office also pointed out that one of the roughly 400 records is from 1994.
That's the defense. Not "this didn't happen." "Some of this happened during the Clinton administration."
Then came the line that should be framed in every county elections office in the state. "Every voter attests to their eligibility by signing the declaration on their ballot return envelope in every election."
So the security system is a signature. On an envelope. That the voter fills out. About themselves. That's not election security. That's a pinky swear with postage.
Imagine your bank used this system. "Sir, are you the account holder?" "Yes." "Great, here's $40,000, have a nice day." Imagine the TSA used it. "Any bombs?" "Nope." "Enjoy Cancun." The only institution in America that still trusts people this much is a church raffle, and even the church raffle checks your ticket.
Hobbs also noted it's against federal law to remove people from the rolls within 90 days of an election. Which is a fair point, and also a beautiful system: you can't check the list too close to the election, and you can't enforce anything after the election, so the ideal time to check is apparently never.
Floyd said agents are working through cases "essentially one person at a time" and that, from the small sample so far, he's confident the real number is in the thousands. The Justice Department says a second list is coming before Election Day.
And here's the part that stings for the rest of us. A citizen in Washington has to prove who they are to pick up a prescription, rent a car, or buy cold medicine. But the ballot that decides who runs the place rides in on a signature and a promise.
Washington says its elections are safe and secure. To be fair, they did ask everybody. Everybody signed.
This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.
The real story that inspired this






